First of all I apologize if this isn't the right place to be posting on here. I'm on a smartphone which makes it kinda hard to browse.

The reason why I'm posting as the title indicates, is that my father recently passed on, and he had mental health issues his whole life. It's hard to pinpoint exactly who or what he was, but I'm certain he fit the cluster B category.

When he was alive, I was under the impression he had BPD. However after his passing, pandora's Box unraveled as I went through his things to find papers that we would need for the inheritance. I'm not mourning properly. I'm mourning the loss of someone who wasn't who I thought he was when he was alive, and I'm struggling to cope with the idea he didn't love us afterall, meaning my mom and I.

Why I concluded this is because, despite his suspicious behavior up until the last day of his life, I had no idea of who he truly was because he never allowed me in, and I didn't know he was seeing multiple women behind our backs, and placing more value in them than us, his own wife and his daughter. I'm hiding what I discovered after his passing from my mom, because she isn't that young anymore and is emotionally fragile from having been brainwashed her entire life with him.

While I haven't been mentally capable of going through all of his things yet, my discoveries after his passing have rattled me through my core. I feel like I've lived a lie my whole life. These women I highly suspect, were prostitutes. To one of them, he had been sending large amounts of money for -at least- 2 years, and she was my age to top it off, as if that wasn't a hard pill to swallow as is. Another he took on a trip to an Eastern country, while lying to everybody about it. He had suddenly to travel to the Emirates on the pretenses of a job prospect. And he said that lie to everybody around him; my mom, his friends and myself. But my mom found out he had lied and went to that Eastern country because he left the invoice of his hotel there; a 5 stars hotel might I add, laying around. When my mom confronted him, he tried to deny it, but she had irrefutable proof, so he asked her for a day before telling her the "truth". The next day he told her he went with his sister, which as I found out after his passing was far from the truth. He went there with an Ukrainian woman, whom he has sent money to as well.

While he was still living, I confronted him, and while unknowing of the truth I suspected he was lying. But I hadn't foreseen the depths of his deceitfulness. He seemed unable to make distinctions between me and my mom, and in his discourse "we" were judging him, we were this and we were that, that I very well knew my mom was unsufferable because I had had issues with her myself that drove a wedge between her and me. But these issues I've had with her were nothing like theirs. Essentially all he did say, even when I saw him in person was to manipulate me. I was aware of it at the time, but considering I felt he was at the end of his life, my reactions were tame as opposed to how I would have normally reacted.

At the end of his life, he had become obssessed with his physical appearance. He had been obese his whole life, eating what seemed like his inner turmoil away. So about 8 or 9 years ago he went through a gastric bypass surgery, and he lost a lot of weight. But because he was unable to prevent himself from eating compulsively, he regained some of his weight. And one day last year, without so much as letting us know anything he scheduled another surgery to readjust his bypass in his home country, not allowing us to be there for him. It is as if he truly despised us, and tried to make us look like we didn't love him, so he could spin his web of lies and appear to be a victim. Ultimately, his obsession with weight is what killed him. He lost about 30kgs in the span of 5 months. I told him he was too thin, but he denied it saying he was fine. Even a couple of hours before his passing, he told my mom that he was in great shape.

My half sister, my mom and I all suffered from the mental, emotional and physical abuse he put us through for decades. I became aware of the depths of the physical abuse he put my sister and my mom before I was born after his passing, because she spoke to me. My mom doesn't know that I know. Some of the abuse I went through as a child, I've occulted to myself and "forgot" or blocked it out. But I could never accept the way he treated us, so our relationship became strained early on, because I started to rebel and fight back. Also I found out, he abused a cat he had gotten my sister to make her forgive him for the physical abuse as though, sometimes he was capable of a degree of remorse and introspection; he broke the poor thing's leg from throwing it violently and that cat had to be taken to a vet.

I should also mention, that whenever my mom or I needed money, it was like pulling teeth, and the amounts were always limited. But he had no issues sending prostitutes over 10's of thousands of dollars some months. I feel we were objectified. He was incapable of showing me love or care as I grew up. The only way he knew how to was through buying me gifts, but even that stopped eventually. It made it easier to cope when he feigned a small degree of empathy or remorse for his actions. But now that he's dead, I'm convinced he was just incapable of love. All my life , I was under the impression he had been fighting his inner demons, but now I'm lost. I thought he was BPD, but after everything I've discovered since, I'm more inclined to believe he was NPD or ASPD.

Being unable to know, having no closure on that has been eating up at me, on top of knowing he never ever cared about me and that I was just an accessory in his life (something I told him a couple weeks before his passing, to which he said my reproaches were nonesensical and that I wasn't understanding.) I've been mourning the loss of someone that didn't exist, something I could never have, and that was my father.

Mainly, what I'm trying to find here is some perspective from outsiders, because Cluster B disorders seem hard to distinguish from each other, with traits overlapping. I feel this could help me mourn in a healthier way if I knew what he was, and knowing others went through something similar might help me keep what little sanity I have left...