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Kwackerjack
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Kwackerjack Being Happy is Hard Work
 
Member Since: Mar 2019
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 6
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Default Mar 24, 2019 at 05:56 PM
 
Firstly I am 34 and my partner is 41. We both have kids and we both have had a pretty tough time the last few years, but let me explain.

I have been seeing my partner for the past 3 months, let’s call her Sally! We met about 5 years ago while working together, we got on great and it was clear we were both attracted to each other but unfortunately Sally and I had ongoing personal issues that would make a relationship almost impossible. I then moved onto another job but we kept in touch for a number of years where unfortunately we then lost contact.

During the month of August 2018 I started a new job and while walking to work one morning Sally and I bumped into each other on the street and the spark was instant and we both knew it.

We started talking regularly again and decided to meet up outside of work. On Sunday the 20th January we met for coffee and discussed each other’s lives after we lost contact. We both felt very comfortable around each other as we chatted away happily laughing and joking about old times.

We then left Starbucks, turned to face each other and we kissed, held each other tight and it felt amazing!! We just looked at each other smiling happily. As we walked away we both turned back at the same time and smiled ear to ear, this was the moment I knew she was the girl that I wanted and needed in my life.

4 months on I've met her parents and family. We traveled to Copenhagen recently where I met more of her friends and family and things are going great.

Sally lost her fiancé a number of years ago due to cancer and although she had a number of short term relationships nothing was ever at the level we are at now. The fact she allowed me to meet her family, Daughter and friends was a massive step for her and even the way she has opened up to me etc was also a big move.

We slept together after 1 week of dating and really opened up to each other again because it felt as if we had been together for years!. We spoke about our feelings and how things were progressing and we both agreed that things were going just fine even though it was kind of scary how comfortable and how quick things were moving.

My past relationship was simply horrible. We had two children both of whom died at birth one year after each other. On both occasions my ex-partner went into labour without notifying me and to this day I have seen no pictures, no birth certs, no death certs or have any information whatsoever on my children. I pleaded with my ex from months on end to tell me what happened and she simply brushed it off and told me that she wanted to move on with life and that I had to accept it, obviously I couldn't accept it and a few months after our second child passed away I ended the relationship.

My ex-partner was very demanding and controlling and simply wanted everything her way and I'm nothing I ever did was good enough. Yet when we had an argument she would eventually break down and tell me that I was the most important person in her life and I was all she ever wanted yet at the same time I was not important enough to be at the birth of our children nor was I good enough in certain circumstances.

I spent many years in the army and due to this I was usually very strong minded and could control and manipulate my emotions and stay strong. However in 2014 I lost my mother to cancer and then in 2017 and 2018 I lost two children and I simply couldn't hold back the emotions or control them any longer. I was severely depressed and suffering with anxiety has started to affect my work and personal life, but then I met Sally and lard changed!! Sally listened to everything I had to say and never once did she put me down like my ex or question me in anyway. She obviously asked questions about how I was feeling and what I did in certain situations but I was never judged by her and she has always been there to support the last few months.

needless to say the past few months have been the happiest I've been in many years but there is one problem, I could spend an entire weekend with Sally or spend hours on the phone with her but the minute she is not there or the minute we don't talk I feel very lonely, depressed, anxious and I miss her so much. you would think a 34 years of age I have come across these feelings before but the thing is I haven't, as I said I was always very strong minded and I could control my emotions and keep myself together with ease. I have really let my guard down with Sally and really opened up and this is probably why I am feeling this way but the problem is sometimes it's horrible!!

Tonight for instance she asked me over to have dinner with with her and her daughter, she hasn't been feeling great due to a flu and I have been looking after her over the past few days. Tonight just before i left she went into bed and kissed me goodnight. Obviously because she is not well she is not herself and she wasn't as engaging or romantic as she usually is and in my mind this is perfectly fine because this is what happens when you're not well and I was the exact same in previous relationships.

The issue I'm having is is that I feel as if she had no interest yet I know that's not true, I know she really cares about me as if she didn't she wouldn't have let me in as close as she has and she has told me this many times.

So why do I feel this way, why do I have these feelings of impending doom and why do I miss her so much and get so anxious when I know that things are ok and I know that I will speak to her and see her very soon. She constantly tells me how happy she is and she constantly reminds me how much she cares about me, she has also mentioned that she is happy and he also sees this relationship becoming long term.

So again why do I feel this way? Why can't I just feel happy without having the feelings of anxiety and depression!!
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