It was nice that your wife was listening to you when you shared that and pointed that out to you.

From what you have shared of your parents, even your mother your boundaries were not respected. You are not betraying your parents when you work on understanding your history with them and realizing the bad parenting skills, lack of knowledge they had with you. Our parents teach us so much that we just don't realize. They can contribute a great deal to how we feel about ourselves, what relationships we are supposed to accept as we watch them interact with each other. It's not surprising so many don't really know how to have a realtionship tbh. Many in their early forties and thirties have parents that divorced and really don't understand "why" either.

So many think they are supposed to know about what they want and who they are when they graduate from high school. But at that age, it's not something many really know at all. That's why it's important to make sure you don't judge yourself harshly while you work through figuring out whatever is there in your history that affected you more than you realized.