I have been doing a lot of reading and thinking lately. I have been evaluating myself very honestly.


I have realized how much some of the decisions I made and actions I have taken over the years have led to a lot of the sadness in my life. I have made a lot of right decisions and I have done a lot of good things. I have also made very poor decisions and I have done many wrong things.


My heart feels very heavy at the realization of my wrong doings. Yes, awareness has always been there in the back of my mind. I can see how I have avoided really facing it though.


I have not always been a nice person and I have done hurtful and mean things over the years. Sometimes it was unintentional and mindless. Sometimes my behavior was intentionally to hurt someone, even though I wouldn’t admit that to myself at the time.


Rather than sit with my pain and hurt or look at myself to see where I could improve, at times I just lashed out and caused pain and hurt to others in return. Sometimes this has been in small ways and sometimes it was in bigger ways.


I am keenly aware every day now of my own actions. I just don’t like what I am seeing. I spent so many years feeling like a victim or feeling angry. I have realized that feeling this way is understandable but acting out as a result of it is not. I feel sadness and grief over this. I know that some things just can never be undone and I feel regret. I will have to live with that. I want to do better.