Today’s session felt fast paced. I was only half aware of what I was doing. R came in and sat down.
‘How are you doing?’
‘My shoulders have been up around my ears since 11.00 on Friday morning.’
‘Oh?’
‘I don’t think I understood “we won’t have a workshop in April” so when I received a message from one of my colleagues saying the next workshop would be at the Minack, and then had to make it official that I would not be attending … I had just arrived at pottery class and explained to my tutor that I had received an email from work. I made it official, then had to deal with a loud “Coward!” from The Critic.’
‘So that means you won’t be working again until June? How does that feel?’

Perceptive of her to ask – I explained that I had composed an email to my students that will reach them via their parents.

‘You are still facilitating and fulfilling your role.’
A discussion ensued about me realising the impact of my disability, and R acknowledged that it sounded like I had been dealing with some pretty big realisations in that regard. She asked how I was feeling having managed it so bravely, noting that I had done it, as a result of our conversations.
I said that I was feeling OK, and then changed tack.

‘I didn’t want to spend time on that today.’

‘OK. We did spend a lot of time on that last week…what are we doing?’

‘I have been putting some thought into your question from last week, the one I hadn’t asked for a while.’

‘I think I remember.’

‘Who am I holding it together for?’

‘There was a swear word in there sometimes too..’

I explained that I had realised P was still having an influence on my work, reading from something I had written between sessions.

‘Shaking is new…Anybody would feel wronged by what I experienced, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t get to move towards healing.’
R asked what I thought the shaking was about.

I explained that I believe I use poetry and writing as a way to pass emotion onto other people, but when I read my words aloud ‘It opens a door.’ I went on to say that I wanted to continue in this vein in future.

R said that she had some questions about the piece. I remarked that we have had to work hard for eye contact, although in that other space, ‘I could have told you anything you wanted to know about the floor.’ Then R realised that I was talking about my previous therapist.
I continued to say that it must be some kind of achievement to invalidate a client within the first five minutes of them coming into your office.
‘Invalidation comes up for me too. I remember when we first met and you told me about your experience before we started having sessions. I felt really angry as a human being, not just as a fellow therapist.’
‘I don’t think I even got to the point of discussing January 2011 with her. Pre-verbal trauma is a really effective way of shutting somebody down. And that was before we got to dragon metaphors.’
I read R a new poem which talked about my inability to verbalise things. I asked how she received it, and she said that every time I read a piece of writing in session or bring something for her to read, she gets a new understanding. ‘Particularly when you’re talking about it being another language…that helps me understand even more.’
We talked about more things.

‘I’m picturing something, and I want you to be able to see it too.’ I ended up drawing a diagram to help R understand my state of mind.





I spend a lot of time between sessions in containment.

‘If we go somewhere intense – “When you go to your vulnerable place” – I move into coping.
‘And that is when you have talked about crying and panic attacks?’

'Yes'


‘When I am at work, I am living/managing.’

‘And you want to spend more time there?’

‘I feel as though family and friends deserve more from me than they are currently getting.’
‘You immediately went to other people’s needs. How do you feel right now?’

‘We are heading into a difficult period of time for me, so it is important that I listen to my needs. To get to a place of management, I need to manage this frustration.’

I explained that I find the level of frustration I am living with offensive, never mind anybody else.

‘Is it about not being able to let some of that out, like the Jenga analogy we talked about before?’

‘Yes.’

I then asked whether the window of tolerance could grow. R asked me to clarify and then said:

‘I almost hear you asking – R, am I ever going to be able to deal with life stuff again?’

‘That is an excellent translation.’
‘When you deal with a traumatic experience, whether that’s a loss or anything else, one more thing can be too much. The straw that breaks the camel’s back, so to speak. As you process it, and come out of it, your ability to deal with stress increases.’
‘Thank you.’

I told R that I was still thinking about Jenga. She told me to let her know.

‘And I feel like I need to say that if you are worried about offending me, I can tolerate a lot.’