Quote:
Originally Posted by cureav
Hi everyone!
I realised this statement a few relationships before.
Yes I find all the girls that I've been with before special, unique, but the lengths I go to ignore my own needs are unimaginable. I am not talking about drugs or those damaging relationships... I'd not tolerate that or stay in that kind of relationship, but whenever I come into a new relationship, my needs shrink to 10 percent and I let space her needs, wishes, expression of herself... to 90% of our total time and energy.
I go to great lengths in order to let the relationship work and last. It mostly goes to my expenses and then I ask myself, could I really be with any girl who I'm so loyal, patient,...
The cause to all of this I've found in one article:
"The Child of a Narcissistic Parent: Why Don’t I Meet My Needs?"
Currently I'm in a 3 year long relationship.
Yes, all people tolerate and be around others who are not much demanding, give attention, are responsible,.... that's me. But I am raised to care what others say and my personality is very flexible to needs of others.
I hate it cause I am always the last one to myself.
Sometimes I don't care if the relationship breaks cause I know that I wouldn't need to cater other people's feelings and needs so much. In that case it would be more energy left for myself.
Lastly, It doesn't matter with whom I'm in relationship cause I'll make it work at my own expenses and without a clue if I even really want to do that.
I would appreciate if someone has something to a person like me to say, if someone sees the fault in my brain software.
Thanks a lot!
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Interestingly enough, I am similar to how you describe your behavior in relationships. It's not just being agreeable, it is so to the point of self sacrifice. I've ended up with women in relationships that are far more demanding as time goes on and I'm not entirely sure it's all just because that's how they are or that I've trained them this way by putting everything they want and need before my own needs. I believe that not only am I finding demanding women that are attracted to those of us like me, but also that I continue to encourage it and therefore it gets worse over time.
I'm still this way to a very large extent but I actually am able to put myself first in some things and take control of my life somewhat. To tell you how this happened it may be a difficult thing for you to accept but it worked for me.
After my wife left the state and left me for another dude, left me with the 2 boys some very devastating things happened. I was forced to live just with them and take responsibility for all three of us for awhile. I won't go into details but it was a humbling situation to say the least. In that time though, I learned a lot about myself, I had no partner and I had to "figure out" how to take care of our needs. Without a dominating partner to direct my decisions on these things I was able to figure out that I have my own thoughts, my own values and perspectives and was entirely capable of handling things on my own. It took about 3 yrs of this but over time it helped a lot.
Now that the ex (still married but not together) is back, I'm a very different person, though I still bend a bit more than I'd like, I also stand up for myself far more than I ever had.
finding yourself, your voice and taking the reins in your life is what you need to learn, whether that means you being alone or not, it worked for me.
Just some thoughts.