Thread: Week #5
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sinking
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Member Since: Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
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Trig Mar 26, 2019 at 02:15 PM
 
Thank you for not leaving me alone

Today at work was harder. i felt like it was friday, with a whole week on my shoulders, while it was only tuesday. i couldnt focus much even though i still think im slowly improving. tomorrow will be harder. i mean, i'll have the afternoon free (to see T and then im going at my parents to feed the cats and sleep there while parents are away for 3 days) but i'll work 6 hours straight. the last 2 hours of wednesdays are always heavy, as the last hour of every other day is.

i've felt like crying for no reason, maybe out of tiredness. im taking less meds than i should, i tapered them once again this sunday and even though its what i want, (both for physical issues and because i do want to end up in hospital or in the clinic), it makes my days harder. im more tired, less rested. but thats what i want, my way to SH now that i've stopped (?) (no decision made) with the real SH, so i guess i just have to suck it up.

i've still thought about my coworker but less. i do not want to end up involved in any relationship with anyone. it would only end up with a lot of sufferance for both and make my sui harder, so i do not want it. same reason is for not wanting a baby. and its getting late for me. im 37 already. but i know my life is doomed.

to change subject, it was very hard and i was craving chocolate so bad (and still am) but i made it. so today is day #1 chocolate free. i did eat a lot of sweets and candies but not chocolate. calories were the same though, so im not sure its worth the hassle but im trying. i dont know what to do anymore with this food issue it runs my life. it ruins my life. im tired of it. tired of everything that goes on in my mind. sometimes im really SO tired but no action follows. so i guess i'll just have to keep complaining and wait for when i'll be ready to act. hopefully soon...

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