That's interesting. I never did anything like that in therapy, but it seems interesting.

Broken record here, it was only 6 months after my last T terminated/rejected me that how I felt about what she did got connected up with how I felt so -- awful -- from a time about 4 years old. No specific event that I recalled, just the feeling. But I hadn't remembered the feeling prior to that -- and it was really awful to re-experience. Several days in bed with depression, a month or more before I was somewhat able to function again. I wrote about that here at the time, 2 years ago.

So damn hard sounds like a good description to me. There may be more to be uncovered, of course. And yet that's probably the key to getting "better"? If that's possible. Which it might be. But it sounds like your current status is surviving, but not really living. So we go on for somethng which is hopefully -- but is not guaranteed to be -- better.

So . . . damn. . .hard.