Thank you Mopey, yes i'll keep posting. my intention though is not to complain but to feel less lonely and kind of journaling for as long as it helps.

Today was a "full" day. after work, paying my bills and therapy, i came home, took a shower and cuddled with my cat while watching tv series. i ate and then came here. my parents are away on vacation for 3 days. this means i get to sleep here at their home since i should come here anyway to feed the cats. im so happy about this break of the normal routine if it is for something better than usual. i surely sleep better here.

Work went quite well, but as im taking less meds its harder because i feel tired as soon as i open my eyes in the morning. nevermind, im doing it to myself. i'll get used to it… or not. im free to change my mind at any time anyway. im just keeping myself updated with the effects of what im doing.

today is day #2 chocolate free. i was SO tempted to go in the market and get a packet of my fav chocolate but i resisted. i didnt substitute it with much sugar from other foods, and i ate less calories, so i did better than yesterday. i even told my T, since this chocolate thing was really obsessing me and i couldnt think of much else. i hope im on the right path now and i'll continue counting but with less obsessing.

in T we did talk about meds and work. we should have a meeting with the HR to assess my situation (they pressured me to ask for a part time but im not giving up the full time!), but i feel everything is going well since i've learned to dose my energies and im doing a lot better. my T underlined how my practicing professional sport for 15 yrs when i was younger is helping me now. i totally agree because its just about biting the bullet and training your mind and body to do better. its mathematical. it really is all about training! whether it is body, mind or both. now at the end of the working days my mind and body are really doing better than a month ago. and i hope i'll keep improving.

the most important issue we brought up in T is "who am i with the meds and who am i without the meds? which one is the "real" me?". i tend to think i am more me without the meds (thats also why im slowly tapering them and will eventually quit them). T started talking about how desperate and needy and looking for help i was when we met (and i was not taking the meds). i have memory gaps but i do remember how bad i was doing. she said she thinks i do not feel good when i am in places like that. i agreed, but i also said i know that i need it for my plan to get completed. all my life has been set on that plan. i'll never give it up. for nothing and nobody ever! (which in turn though, keeps me from having relationships or babies).

i keep "journaling" here because it helps me feeling less alone and it helps me to pinpoint and focus on some things i need to explore better alone or with my T. i usually tell her pretty much the same things im posting about here, only that we go deeper.

like, i told her about my fantasizing about that coworker and as i was talking she pointed out how much deeply my CSA is still impacting my life. she was surprised by the depth of it. i stated again and again that i do not want to have feelings for anyone and that im mad at myself for even having that innocent thought. she was pleased to hear she was right. that i cannot control everything that goes on in my mind, in my heart or in my life. sometimes things just happen. i know she's right and thats why im even more mad at myself and i feel i should stop talking with him to avoid any complications but i find myself feeling like talking to him and getting to know him better anyway (just found out he doesnt seem to have a wife, gf or else). it just makes the day more pleasant. having a new interest instead of chocolate! anyway, i was thinking, even if something between us would happen, i guess what i really want is an exclusive friendship. kissing/sex/living with him (or anyone else) does not appeal me at all. a woman coworker shared with us that she is together with her partner for 26 years but not living together. i guess i could like something like that too, if anything at all.

anyway, we ended the session saying im in a positive break (from my usual mood). that we both know it wont last too long so i better enjoy it. knowing that it wont last too long is comforting me and does give me the push to do try and enjoy it for as long as it lasts. during "breaks" i always had the most significant normal experiences so i'll try to learn something from this one too. (but i still and always feel inferior to anyone when it comes to relationships experiences).

ps. i dreamed about my exT tonight. the dream was so vivid. as almost always, when i dream about Him, its a bad dream. i either dont get to have my session with Him for various reasons (whether its my fault or His), or i do get to see Him but he transforms himself in some sort of a dentist or in my abuser. in tonights dream we met on the street and we were supposed to go up in his office but the place became like an hotel with infinite rooms and we lost sight and i kept running into rooms trying to find Him but i never got to see Him. i knew he was trying to find me as i was trying to find Him, but we never found each other. stressed and exhausted, mentally and physically, i threw myself on the floor because i was feeling dizzy and like having a panic attack. then i woke up. i do not understand why my dreams about Him are so often bad dreams while in reality He is the best help i've ever had and still have. im not going to try and analyze this dream or other (rarely) recurring dreams about Him. i'll just say they only make me miss Him even more… im glad i'll se Him in 3 weeks...