Tw... self harm
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I sit here on a leave from work in self-destruct mode. I’ve been cutting again after going nearly 7 months without. I have a bottle of wine with my name on it and I’m thinking about how I can hurt myself. I can’t tell anyone because nobody gets it and I’d freak them out. I feel nothing and yet I feel everything so deeply it hurts. My thoughts are racing so fast I can’t keep up. I’m seeing pdoc Friday to fill out a form so that I can get disability pay from work and he forgot one of my meds when I saw him Monday so I’m going to run out and have withdrawals. I’m afraid work thinks I’m faking it. I’m afraid I’m going to die alone. Nobody will come to my funeral. Nobody will miss me. I have nothing of value to offer anyone. I looked up a dbt program that’s about 45 minutes from me and I’ll have to take out a small mortgage to pay for it. I’m already stressed about money. I spend impulsively and my credit card is out of control. I hate my job and the thought of going back to work brings on a panic attack. I want to go back to school but I don’t know how I’ll pay for it. My house is a disaster because I haven’t gotten out of bed in 3 weeks. I don’t remember the last time I washed my hair. I’m a sh***y parent because I can’t even be around my daughter because I don’t want her to see me like this. She’s going to look back on her life and remember mommy always being sick and in the hospital and sleeping. Except I can’t sleep now. I haven’t slept in 4 nights. I just lie awake or if I happen to doze off for a few I have a nightmare and can’t get back to sleep.

I’m so sick of living like this.

Thank you to anyone who read all of that rambling. I just needed to get it out.