I have recently stumbled on a new barrier, well it's not new but it's the next one that I have been avoiding and now I can't.

There is something stopping me from trying and putting myself out there to make further progress. Part of this is pain, I feel chronic psychological pain ranging from emptiness and loneliness to feeling despicable with myself. This is stopping me from going forward but what's stopping me from tackling these issues is feeling the pain of them when I get too close. I'm talking to myself about it and asking myself why I keep walking away from this self that is in pain and all I have is that it is too much and what I have and who I am is not enough to work through this.

I cannot begin to describe the pain and sense of self abandonment this triggers but I can't see away around it.

In the last year I have managed to ensure i keep my room tidy, feed myself probably and go to the gym regualrly. I will slip now and again, but I check in with myself to see what I want and I recover quickly, but I remain pretty isolated and closed off from people i don't have a life i particularly can say I am proud of and I have jobs below my intellectual ability because otherwise I feel too overwhelmed. This brings me a great sadness but I cannot rock the boat without great resistance and a heavy reinforcement that I am inherently not worth the pain or effort.I

Any reading on this or guidance?