Thank you for reading me and accompanying me in my journey. it really means a lot to me.

Today was a pretty much flat day. work keeps going ok, not great and not a nightmare, just ok. im getting used to it. i guess i could say i have done a good job with training myself with it. now i can see why and how i got at being at week #5 straight at work. i dont feel more competent but better at handling difficulties and i've also been very lucky not getting calls from too many unpleasant people. luckily i've also gotten to finish in time with my schedule and thats also a big positive. i think sleeping at my parents is also a big help in making me feeling this week easier (if not quicker) than last week.

i keep thinking a bit about the coworker and enjoying his company but im not excited at the thought of seeing him and im glad about that. as i said, i dont want to have feelings for him or anyone else. but he already is kind of special to me, meaning that he got to interest me, even if just a little bit. and i do want him to like me. i dont quite know how to handle this.

today is also day #3 chocolate free. today was worse than yesterday since i had cravings that i suppressed by eating a lot of anything else with a lot of calories. it made me doubt about my plan on being chocolate free to make it easier. its not really that easier when i go home and i have nothing else to do but thinking about chocolate! but i'll keep trying for a little longer. its only 3 days after all!

what else? i did go to take my meds at the clinic and once again i was scared they would find out im cheating them. i really dont like it but i dont feel like i can tell them the truth. i can say it only to my T since she does nothing about it and lets me free of doing whatever i want (not that she could do something about it anyway!). i still wake up tired and not feeling fully rested after 10 hours sleep due to having decreased the meds dosage but i want to find out who i really am without meds and i'll get there, sooner or later.

i dont think i'll ever have again feelings of failure for not having a normal job and not living alone at my age since i got to accomplish that. but i certainly could feel that they both mean nothing/are worthless and i still dont have (and wont have) what matters the most in life (imo): love, husband and kids. i'll just have to wait for the down time to come back again. and i'll welcome it. cant wait actually. but for now im too focused on making the best out of what i do have.

last note about my exT: i must tell Him next time i see Him that i do not understand how He gets to change my life with only 1 session (1 in about every 3 months) and saying just a few (but very felt) words. maybe its me and not Him, but i do think He is magic. He is God to me!