Thanks everyone. I am definitely discussing this with my therapist. It seems like a cruel joke that this is how this relationship would go. When we met, he said he'd never go back to working away from home. It was too hard on him. That's why he quit in the first place. And I thought "Oh great, because that is not something I want."

And now, this. Need to leave.

Its exhausting.

The job is driving a truck. There are definitely jobs locally. There is no reason to go over-the-road except making a little bit more money and the freedom of the open road. Which I suspect is what he's looking for.

Yet again I find myself being duped by another person. In to believing the words they say.

But if I can't believe them- how do I live? I am so tired of dishonesty. I am tired of deceit. I am tired of putting my faith in to anyone.

And so, I find myself yet again facing the concept of being alone. And that stinks. And I can't help but consider all these mentions of "Well you keep finding these guys..." as a way to point out its my fault. I'm the broken one. I'm the messed up one. I deserve this.

And that is the sort of negative self-talk my therapist is trying to get me to stop. But maybe its right. Maybe I am just....stupid. Naïve. I sabotage myself. I intentionally select mates that are horrible because I believe I deserve horror.

A man tried to kill me once before and I just don't know if I've ever recovered from believing that I shouldn't be here.