After silently sobbing through the making of my last post, I took some pills. I'm supposed to take Ritalin 20 mg once daily in the morning. After not bothering with it for a few days, I found the misplaced vial of Ritalin and took 1 and a half tablets (30 mg.) I was just desperate to experience a "mood alteration." I also threw down a tablet of hydrocodone 7.5 mg. for its mood-enhancing effect. I also started thinking that my idea about putting my bf in a facility for at least a temporary stay is something I'm finally going to give serious consideration. Then I made myself some French toast because I was hungry.

I improved dramatically in a short while. The pills seem to have hit me just right. Their effect can depend on what my mind is doing. 3 hours ago, my thought processes, the Ritalin and the plate of food interacted just right, so that I got a big lift out of the trough I was in. Suddenly, I felt the apathy giving way to me having some interest in straightening up the apartment (though I haven't started yet.) Also, I felt nicer toward my boyfriend. Ritalin makes me "chatty," and I've been talkative with him, in a friendly way. I'm not blaming him as much now, either.

Thanks, Mopey, for listening and sharing some thoughts with me. Sometimes, I think clearer and more productively while writing my thoughts than by just having them roll around in my head. By trying to explain a situation, or a dilemma, to someone else, I sometimes get a better, clearer understanding in my own mind. It helped that you seemed to appreciate that I have been in a dilemma without an obvious, easy solution.

My mind had been closed to doing anything different from how I've been doing, and I was just getting more and more deeply depressed . . . feeling like I'm in an unhappy situation that there is no getting out of, without just ending up more miserable. I feel differently now.

I'm slow to ever claim I've made a breakthrough, but I think I did 3 hours ago. I certainly feel a lessening of distress.

Now I mustn't just enjoy the current mental glow, only to relapse into despair a few hours from now. The glow is already waning (I think Ritalin wears off rather soon.) And I can't pop pills every few hours. As you say, sometimes any change is better than staying frozen in the status quo. If I try one change and don't like the result, I'm not married to it. I see this as a need to experiment. A failed experiment can help you imagine another experiment. An attempted solution that doesn't work can often yield insight that leads to other new ideas. The main thing is to get unfrozen. When we think we've considered all the options, often we haven't. Somethings can't be figured out mentally, in the abstract. Trying to do that is a tendency I have. When I got my first 2-wheel bicycle, I spent days and days sitting outside looking at it. My plan was to try and ride it just as soon as I mentally figured out how one keeps a bicycle from tipping over under the weight of a rider. I never could figure that out. Eventually, my arms and legs figured it out. I still can't mentally explain it.

It might help to talk to talk to my bf's VA support team about me using the "respite" benefit. The VA will pay for him to have a stay. Maybe I might mention it to his children. I know all these parties would encourage me to do whatever might feel right to me. I don't fear any criticism. There would be none. I can't be assured nothing unfortunate might result. But then, anytime I get in my car, I can't be assured some drunk won't T-bone me. That happened one night as I was driving to work. Oddly enough, the outcome improved my life. I wasn't hurt, and I got a much better car to replace the one that was totaled.