Hello,

I recently started seeing a new therapist and, like many others in the past, she believes that I suffered some kind of sexual abuse as a child that I don't remember. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and am realizing that I may have had an inappropriate relationship with my mother's boyfriend, but am seeking some objective input here...

He and my mom started dating when I was 5 (parents split when I was 4) and were together until I was 13. I reached out to him when I was 17/18 and we have been very close friends ever since (I'm now 33). Here's a list of things I remember that seem a little off (but maybe I'm making something out of nothing?):

- I have very, very few memories from ages 5-7ish, but am told that I started self-harming at age 5 (scratching myself)

- around this age I also started experiencing a ton of psychosomatic stuff, was terrified of getting sick, and was also faking/causing myself illnesses and injuries a lot.

- the three of us went on a lot of trips that involved nudity (especially swimming together naked). my parents and I are not a 'naked' family, this was definitely his influence. I remember once he and I were swimming somewhere out in the desert both naked and I was riding on his back and he had an erection (around 8?). I remember this making me really uncomfortable and later on during that trip I intentionally got a bad sunburn and let mosquitoes bite me all over until my whole body and face swelled up. the three of us would also do things like visit those weird sexy hot tub places where we would all be in the private room naked together.

- I remember little sexual jokes sometimes when we were alone, like making 'penises' and 'vaginas' out of our food

- I had a lot of vaginal issues when I was little. I developed an inability to empty my bladder fully, without a clear medical cause, and I also remember having a lot of pain that would prompt my mother to give me vinegar baths in the middle of the night.

- when I was 21, he and I ended up on a road trip together and I think he wanted to sleep with me (when checking into a hotel, he asked if I wanted a room with 1 bed or 2).

- people have said he's in love with me, and he seems somewhat obsessed with very young looking/childish women. my own grandmother even said she thought we'd end up together (??!) which really disgusted me.

- I have a long history of self-harming and have since been diagnosed with bipolar, borderline (or rather personality disorder NOS, but closest to borderline), and consider myself a love/sex addict.

Anyways, I can't tell if this is all relatively 'normal' stuff or if I've just brainwashed myself over time. Please help!