I hope you are feeling better than when you posted this. I have times where I want to die, and feel like a burden. With this kind of disorder, it seems like it will never get better when I am there, but it always passes, at least for a little while.

I have been married for 30 years. My husband has his own deal, so he has a lot of empathy for me. I have often wondered why he hasn't been run off by my relapses, but he hangs in there. I threaten to leave, and yell. I dissociate. I self harm. He puts up with it, although he gets mad and hurt. I wish it was different. I wish this illness didn't tell me that nobody cares, even a man who has stayed with me for 30 years.

Why would anyone want to be with someone who is like this? I am not sure. How do they stay when I push them away? Don't know. But there are people who can. Since this is who I am, I am lucky I found somebody who is understanding and patient. I try really hard to make the good parts good, cause I know what the bad parts are like. Even if I have to pretend during the good parts, like shopping for things for him, it is worth it to see him happy. MT