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Anonymous48672
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Default Apr 08, 2019 at 11:26 AM
 
I agree with Open Eyes that you are definitely enabling his alcoholism. By allowing him to drink that excessively around you and cook and clean for him, and put him to bed. That is enabling behavior. Not enabling behavior would look like this, when you set boundaries with him (because you respect yourself enough to): "I refuse to spend time with you because of your excessive drinking. That's not something I want to be a part of. If you want to date me, you will stop drinking, and get help. I won't sit by while you party like a college student. My father was an alcoholic and I don't want to be around that anymore."

See what I did there? You HAVE to communicate your boundaries with men you want to be in a relationship with. If you don't, and you put up with their b.s., then you are settling. And you shouldn't need to settle b/c you deserve to be with a real man who treats you with respect, who prioritizes you, who is clear with you about his feelings and who doesn't hide things from you or expect you to take care of him, esp. if he has a drinking or drug problem.

I responded to your other thread about him a few minutes ago, Gymgirl. Please extract yourself from this guy asap and don't even remain friends with him...unless you want a drinking buddy on the weekends and that's all you want.

Ask yourself, why do you settle for guys who have nothing to offer you except their maladaptive behavior like turning to alcohol all the time. He's 45 years old. Middle aged. And he acts like a 21 year old. Your own words. Right? Don't you think you deserve to be with a man who has his act together financially, spiritually, and mentally? Don't you deserve to be more than an 'enabler' to a man who isn't emotionally mature enough to handle his own baggage from his life?

Remember, it is NOT your job to raise a man, fix a man, enable a man, financially support a man, or drop everything and put yourself second for a man. You are not a rehabilitation center, Gymgirl. That is not your job. You deserve a man who you don't have to put yourself and your needs second for.

Alcoholism is a nasty maladaptive behavior that can never be fixed. Sure, you can go to AA meetings, get a sponsor and stop drinking, but the maladaptive addictive desire never disappears. Alcoholics have the highest rate of relapse; more than drug addicts or sex addicts.

Make yourself a list of traits you want to find in your ideal man. Be as creative as you want. Once you start dating again, if the man doesn't have any of the traits you put on your list, then get rid of the guy. Start with, "must not be in AA, or any rehab program. Must not be a drinker." That should weed out a good percentage of men out there. I'm serious too.

I refuse to date men who smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, or are religious. Those are "must haves" for me. I will not give a guy a second look, no matter how nice he is to me, if he does one of those three things. No way. We all have our "must haves." What are yours? Once you figure that out, write it out on a list and STICK TO THAT LIST until you have it mentally memorized and can stop yourself from rescuing these losers.

There are rehabilitation centers for these idiots. You aren't one. You deserve a man who has his act together. Boys to Men is a great band, but it's not a lifestyle I recommend to any single woman to date one. Most men who still act like boys, never grow up to be men.
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MickeyCheeky
 
Thanks for this!
Gymgirl71, MickeyCheeky