I cant believe week 7 started today! i havent had any break (except weekends) for 7 weeks since i was sick for 1 week, and i cant believe it! i havent been off from work, not for illness, not for being at the clinic, not for holidays, and not for days off. nothing. but it IS starting to weight on me. i must resist only 2 more weeks and then i'll have a few days of holidays and off from work. i cant wait, even though lately the weekends at home are less "exciting". they give me a lot of relax but i enjoy them less, not sure why. anyway.

today, up until less than 3 hours ago, i'd have said it went pretty well at work. this morning i was still feeling like my mind was at home or elsewhere and even though i could focus to do things right (i hope), it passed so quickly. it was a bit like i wasnt there with my mind… in a good way.

then lunch break came. i ate right (no chocolate), laxatives did their job and i even came up with something new to cook for dinner. and even though i had a few things to do that took time away from relax and i did not have a minute to rest, i went back to work with a positive attitude.

it kept going quite ok until about 2 hours before finishing my shift. then my supervisor started to get on my nerves. he started checking on how many seconds i'd put people on wait when passing from one call to the other. i've seen that taking a few more seconds (they concede us only 5!) is better for me. it helps me getting more relaxed, more focused and my job is less stressing. he started fussing about how much time i waste putting people on wait for a little while between the calls and when i go to the supervisors to ask questions etc. i really started feeling like he expects me to be a robot or worse a slave. im not going to be a slave in this job. if i cant take seconds between calls then i'll take minutes every half an hour to go to the toilet! he cant say anything about that and if he does, i'll say my doc told me to drink more and thats the result. he cant answer back to that in any way!

im so mad he is so controlling. and not only for the pauses i take but he also controls how i speak, my tone of voice, what i say, etc. and nothing i do or say seems to go well for him. he started with this behavior a few weeks ago but it got worse and worse with time. im so sick of it. i know he only does his job, but he's really a pain in the *****.

luckily he's not there the whole day so when the other supervisor is there i can relax more, but now im not sure i can take this job much longer anymore. its about supervisors scolding me all the time, its about being controlled all the time, its about getting fines if we make mistakes, its about how stressing it is to work with people talking my my ears all day long and listening to them complaining about anything or worse, getting mad at me when things are not my fault! and its about having a job that is so difficult because rules keep changing day after day and we basically have no fixed rules. they change so much its impossible to remember everything and they are even changing the manual so that is changing too and we dont know where to look for instructions anymore. its so fu|<ing hard and stressing!!!

i dont know if its worth it or not anymore. but what else could i do? my friend told me about trying answering an announcement of selection to go work with kids (only for substitutions). but even if it was a regular full time job… i dont know… having an infancy psychology degree , having worked with kids at the swimming pool and having attended a course for educators i well could try it... too bad i really dont think i want to work with kids anymore. i feel im done with it and have nothing more to give. i feel kids at the pool have drained me and im not willing to dedicate myself to kids anymore. even if i know its rewarding, i dont think for me its worth it anymore.

actually, i feel i just dont want to work anymore. i dont want to have any job anymore. but if i dont work i dont get money to pay my flat and then what? im not going back to the place (figuratively speaking) i was before, with no job, no flat, no nothing. then the only solution that comes to my mind is always the same, the only one i've always trusted, the only one that would really set me free and the only one i've always believed into: Death. yeah, thats always been my plan A. if things go on like this, why not? i tried but it just doesnt seem to work out for me, whatever i try and whatever i do. it just doesnt work out!

i was getting a little hope that i could have a semi normal life when i realized i liked P, but even with him… i dont know, its so hard.

like tonight, i could have waited him out of the offices since we ended our shifts together, even to just exchange a few words about the supervisor having said the same things he said to me to him as well, but i was in a hurry to get out of there and especially, i was too afraid to show him i was waiting for him. to show him i would have liked talking with him a bit. i was afraid of showing interest in him so i ran away. maybe tomorrow i'll try to explain it to him. i also have a few excuses: i had to make dinner and i had to bring down my old couch on the streets for people that takecare of outsize wastes to come and get it tomorrow morning. but i kow its no excuse. i could have waited for him if i wanted to. i was just really in a hurry and afraid. thats all. while the supervisor was reprimanding us we looked each other in the eyes and im not sure of what i saw? this torments me a bit.

then tonight i had troubles finiding a parking lot . as soon as i got home i cooked that thing i read about, with all the food that was going to get spoiled before it got spoiled and it was a real disgusting crap. i could eat some of it and i threw away the rest. so it went wasted anyway. next time i wont try to go for one huge grocery shop at month but i'll go week by week i guess. i need to learn even that! then i also called my mom and vented to her what i said here about my job and then carried the couch down on the street. it was less heavy than i was afraid of and thats the only positive thing i can think of for today.

then i did some stuff and came here on PC and i still have the dishes to wash. except for this morning being absent minded (positively), the rest of the start of week 7 is to forget (and this week has 6 days of work since i have the course again on sat). now i know tomorrow morning im not going to work with pleasure or worry free, actually the opposite. both because of P and because of the supervisor. im only glad i'll see T on wed…. im SO tired.