So today i did feel as a FIGHTER, like when i was a professional athlete. i figured that now that i know what the devil is like (esp. my male supervisor) i also know how to fight it and avoid its claws. it was also thanks to the other supervisor that helped me regaining some self confidence. she was so kind i wanted to prove her i could do it, and i made it. i did a new thing at work and didnt ask anyone to help me with it. i did feel proud of myself and when i told the supervisor she was also happy that i made it. this gave me a boost of energy.

at lunch break i saw the old couch was taken away and i was proud of myself for doing even that little thing (calling the service, explaining everything they asked me and bringing the couch down the stairs alone). its these little things that give me confidence and almost happiness. i'd have a million of reasons to feel bad about myself and i often do but when little things like these happen i do feel so much better and very unexpectedly. its always a surprise.

more little things:

at lunch i was so cold so i turned the heat on. i've only done it a few times since im living in this flat and i never did it at home with my parents because they would do it/decide it. i was FREE to decide whether to turn it on or not!

at the end of the shift P and i finished it together so today instead of running away scared and confused about what to do, i stayed there, waited for him and we exchanged a few words after work. we talked mostly about work but still it was good to have someone to take a few minutes to talk with ME.

while i was leaving in my car and saw him waiting for the bus i stopped by and asked him if he wanted a ride. he smiled and said he didnt need it and thanked me. this was exciting for me 1) because i did have the courage to approach him again and 2) because i was FREE to not run straigh home after work. nobody was waiting for me, i had nobody to warn about eventually coming late.

i still have to learn how to do the grocery shopping right. at the beginning of the month i made a huge shopping thinking it all would last for the whole month. its only after, that i realized that many things expire quickly. this proved me i dont even know how to do the grocery shopping right, and now im bingeing to not throw away food. but guess what? i'll never do that again and i'll be much more careful next time and buy less things but maybe more often. lesson learned.

its exactly things like these that i was expecting from the challenge of living alone for the first time. today, differently than other days these challenges give me strength and they dont bring me down. not sure why. but after i made that new thing at work all by myself the world twisted again on the positive side.

as for the devil i now know how to fight… i only mean that now that i know what the male supervisor looks at to reprimand me, im going to give him what he wants but still in a way that keeps me safe and protected. so that my job wont look like a nightmare again. its just about being smart and fighting the right battles with the right means, which doesnt mean always winning but always standing up.