I think I owe everyone here an apology...

I now realize that I've had psychosis for months now, after denying it for a long time. I think if my therapist had known everything that I wrote on here, she would have involuntarily committed me. However, I didn't trust her because... well... she was working behind my back with my pdoc and I felt ganged up on. I kept telling her things and she would tell my pdoc literally everything I said. (I know this for a fact because he had confronted me about what my therapist had told him.) So, being psychotic, I had no idea who else she could've been talking to--the government, the FBI, hospital, police--or what she was planning to do to me, so that fear only fueled the delusional paranoia and made me trust her less. That's why I kept thinking she had set up cameras to watch me 24/7. I had already felt secretly stalked by someone, and with her breaching my trust, I began to believe that SHE was the "secret stalker" all along.

This is no excuse, but I seem to have bad insight most of the time. The only time I can tell when I am currently experiencing psychosis is when the psychosis is mild (e.g., tactile hallucinations). Otherwise, I have to remember to fact check after the paranoia/hallucinations/delusions abate. However, I don't always fact check because the psychosis was so realistic that it doesn't cross my mind to fact check anything. For example, if you're at work and hear a radio, you'll probably figure it's someone playing the radio even if it's just a hallucination. "Why would you fact check a radio?"

I really need to get in the habit of fact checking everything I see/do. sorry.