I can relate to your post. My gaslighting mother was mean and selfish. She used to tell me that my problem was that I did not do enough for others (meaning her). She told me as a young child that I was born to take care of her.

She once said to me: I can do whatever I want and you still have to love me because I am your mother. Needless to say, I grew up to be very unhappy. I mistook meanness for love.

As a child, I did not know any better. As an adult, I am severely damaged. It's not a matter of hating them back. It's not that I am stupid because the people who raised me did not prepare me for life like they were supposed to.

But there is this empty void in my life. I hole that I cannot fill myself or heal. Therapists call it a "damaged child" but that does not really describe the problem. I fill the hole with temporary band-aids (like music) but the hurt and the damage never go away. Am I angry about it? Yes. Love has no appeal to me; I'd rather avoid it all together. That is my reality.