I really donīt understand.
I had a friend. He said he cared about me and would always answer the phone and never throw me away. It had been 10 years since anybody talked to me, when he called, I thought: this life is bareable after all. But I fell in love with him and then he started to ignore me, told me I am scary and mental and I havenīt talked to anyone heart to heart for 8 months again. Like, itīs all just hello, goodbye level... When I go out, people ignore me like I am not there. I donīt look like a monster I think. I also try to be generous and kind. But I donīt have a person to trust. Nobody ever asks me how I am, if I am doing all right, if I ate anything. Nobody ever calls EVER or invites me out to places. when I call someone, the phone rings and rings and people just dont answer and I never hurt them in any way, I donīt understand. out of 140 times, shouldnt somebody answer? . I am just so emotionally drained, so exhausted, out of strength, I just want a hug, but my last hug... was 6 years ago.... who even am I? Do I exist? am I invisible? I really suspect I might be a ghost but ghosts donīt draw pictures. "friends". all that my friends do is ask for favor after favor without pay, I do everything but I have no more food at home.
I miss my real friend, my brother my soulmate. I am really sorry I fell in love I will push it down... I just want someone to trust... I am so alone in this world. itīs too hard to bare. I have absolutely nobody to talk to.
is it my fault? just what did I do? I donīt understand. Being born? Is that it, my existence is bad? Do I not have the right to have just 1 friend? I am thinking of disappearing. I just canīt take it any more. I am sorry, it wasnīt my choice to exist. how long do I need to stay here when nobody loves me and nobody wants to be my friend? I just want to cry it all out but there isnt anyone. I can spill my heart to. what must I do... what must I do then, to have 1 friend in this world? is it not enough to help everyone every day for free... what else must I do to be loved even a little bit? cant somebody just say thank you, or that itīs ok for me to exist...