Hello,

I’ve been recently diagnosed (January 2019) and i at first thought i was Bipolar 2, but my doctor saw me on a day i hadn’t taken quetiapine for a few days and hadn’t slept at all and said that i was experiencing mania.

I used to think mania was more of a psychotic state to be honest, and i’ve been going to a support group and the stories people told about their manic episodes were too “out” there compared to me.

I mostly talk a lot faster, have urges to drop what i’m doing and go travel the world or something and i’ve been writing a LOT. I hadn’t written in over a year and in three months i have over 300 pages of stuff! That to me is a lot and makes me feel pretty awesome.

Anyway, my doc said mania isn’t always psychotic, it’s just really in “your face” and easily noticeble. I accepted that, but normally if i’m taking the meds right i don’t think i go over hypomania! My doc also said, my family protects me a lot, i don’t work, i don’t have money on me at all or any credit cards, usually just the necessary money to get the bus and stuff. And because of past events i’m not really allowed to drink and go out and if i do go out my Mom checks on me every 5 minutes (i used to drink a lot and ended up in the hospital a couple of times).

What i wanted to know is, a lot of people keep talking about mania/hypomania being periods that make them productive. Can you be productive but only in one aspect?

For example, i want to write dude. Like that’s all i want to do!!!!! Give me food and leave me in peace to write and write (it’s mostly fanfiction, but seriously, yes there is a lot of really bad fanfics i’ve seen, but there are also amazing writers and stories out there) but then i like hate the two year nursing program i just started (i dropped out of psychology after all the hospitals stays!) and it’s detrimental.

In class i can’t focus/don’t want to and i’ll write on my notebook or read on my phone and sometimes it’s like i have so many possible ideas in my head i HAVE to get them out.

I’ve noticed i also talk to myself a lot, just rambling on about whatever and i’ve done this all my life but it gets more intense and frequent and i’ll do it in the street and just talk to myself quickly and in a quiet voice.

Oh, paranoia is a thing too? Me at night on a street? Any and every noise and or person makes me flinch and i look behind me every five seconds. The more accelerated i am the worse i get. I live in a huge city somwhere in the globe and it has a certain gross city insect that starts with a C that i’m ocd about and every leaf on the ground or whatever makes me jump and if i see one it’s terrible and i get the creepy crawlys.

In regards to the whole “flight of ideas” i get ideas, but non of them are complete and i’ve finished about 3 short stories out of i don’t even know how many. I’ll literally write pages and pages of prompts for possibly larger stories. Is that common? The whole quantity over “quality” thing?

I like writing stand alone scenes and it’s really, really fun to me! I get to research a lot for a few original characters as well and i love that. I just wanted to know if that’s normal in the hypo/mania state, tons of ideas that never see themselves through.

Bottom line: do you have similar experiences? Is focusing on one thing (in this case writing) and negleting every other aspect in your life a thing while euphoric? Do you experience paranoia and feel like your thoughts don’t *fit* into your head?

Oh, and i don’t have insomnia i think, i take the meds and i feel tired but i don’t want to sleep. I really don’t want to sleep, like why waste beautiful writing time? And the longer i stay awake the more awake i feel, say if i’m up until 5am i am much more hyper than i was at 12am and it’ll take 2 hours for me to chill down and sleep (especially if i took the sleeping meds at 5am lol)

Honestly, i’m insecure about diagnosis. I’ve been told it was only depression for a long time (with anxiety) than when i was at my worst a doc said i was borderline (at the hospital, my own doc and therapist don’t agree), so i sometimes need reassurance this isn’t another misdiagnose and what i’m feeling is along the lines of what other people think, that have bp.

(I feel anxious because it’s like everyone experiences each pathology in there own way and various comorbid issues will make bipolar look different from one person to another. BUT little old me feels the irrational need to fit the criteria PERFECTLY, so as to be 100% sure i’m 100% bipolar, you know?)

Sorry about that, i’m horrible at keeping things short and sweet but THANK YOU if you read this far! Hope you’re feeling good and having a nice day.

Bye