I didn't realize until someone said that there's something wrong with me. And then here's the list that I think are pretty gross but I did them without reason

- pretending to be drunk
- kinda flirting with men and friendzoned them
- I do self harm and showing off the scar "accidentally"
- I have eating disorder, but only show my bullimia part to others (not diagnosed, but I think I have anorexia binge/purge subtype)
- Someone thought I am in abusive relationship because of self harm scars, and today I got an eye infection (kinda swollen) and decided to put on make up on it to make it look like a bruise.

I always love the attention, the reaction they give me. It is comforting to see someone worried about me.

The problem is I always show those petty sides with someone who's crushing on me, or close friends, because I know they care a lot about me. But once they get too close and personal, I got too uncomfortable and push them away.

It's not like I don't know my behaviors are wrong, I just did it unconsciously and then regret it later cause they were honestly stupid. I got into some problems too because of that, having difficulty to maintain friendships. It gets awkward sometimes, and one of my close friend left already.

And for some reason, I usually try to act "normal" and cool around my crushes, hiding how rotten I am inside. I don't want them to think I'm weird or anything.

And wow after writing this I just realized that I act like a ****** so much. I hate it, I hate myself for being like this. Isn't there anything I can do to stop this?