Not sure I ever really put my nose to the stone to find the great love of my life. I know friends who really actively worked at it starting from like 17. And I have many, too many, friends who did that and it all went to heck. The guy they chose left them or they got divorced... etc. So there is a part of me that knows objectively, that really isn't the worst thing. And I used that time to get an advanced degree that does pay off in real benefits as opposed to what could be illusionary benefits. And don't even get me started on my sister who seems to have the most miserable life alive.

But still, I middle 40s and I have never had that *amazing* head over heels mutual love that produced a loving family with adorable and wonderful kids that you see in the movies. And objectively I feel pretty certain that isn't going to happen for me. Since I am middle 40s.

I recently saw a movie that, in my mind was soo good. Romance along the lines of what I truly want. It made me ache for it for a few days. A direct hit to the heart. A reminder of what that "true love" is. And it was a fantasy and even now I can see it is a fantasy but damn it, why can't I have that. Why? Where is it? And to know that I have to accept it isn't going to happen. And it isn't.

And how do you accept that you failed. You failed. You started your life knowing you were going to get that. And you didn't. You got the car you wanted, you got the job you wanted, you got the cat you wanted, you got the condo you wanted but you didn't get the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, that you wanted and there is no do over. It is done. I don't say it in a very "all about me" way -- but more like this isn't going to happen for you. Period. End of story.