I've had what feels like a lot of problems for a long time. I feel very strongly that I would benefit from therapy, but it's not something I can afford at this time or have ever been able to afford in the past. I'm not going to go into the majority of the things I've struggled with, but there is one that's really starting to scare me, and I don't know what to do.

I grew up in a household with a physically abusive father. I have two other siblings who experienced the same, and my sister and I were both physically and violently hurt, attacked, or controlled by our much older brother on a weekly basis as kids too. I realize this probably calls for some fixes in my mental state. But right now I can't get any real help for anything, so that's why I'm here for one particular problem.

I'm angry a lot. I have pets and other people living in my home and I have never become violent with any of them, nor do I shout directly at them (though I will often shout to myself about whatever is making me angry when I am alone.) Right now I feel adequately in control of how angry I get. I've tried mantras and some of them work to a degree. But the thing is it slowly seems to be getting worse. I absolutely believe abuse and abusive behavior is a choice, and to say I am afraid of becoming an abusive person like my father feels like something I don't want to admit to, and perhaps that I don't feel I genuinely need to worry about yet. But I feel as if I'm losing control, and if nothing else, maintaining it has become physically and emotionally exhausting, and it's also taking a huge toll on my self worth, as one of the ways I've stopped myself from lashing out at everyone has just been to talk myself into a hole where my emotions and problems don't matter because I'm simply not worth anything. I have a lot of self-worth issues to begin with, so this doesn't feel much like a fix.

I guess what I'm looking for, perhaps, is some insight as to what the problem is. I'm afraid to ask my father if he had any mental illness that caused him to behave the way he did, but I'm equally afraid that if he does, I have it too. I don't feel like a violent person, I don't behave violently, but I do get really angry over absolutely nothing. I feel small, petty, and stupid, and yet in the moment I just feel right. Like I should definitely be angry about this.

Today I sort of lashed out at a friend. It was online, and I don't think they even noticed, but it was someone sweet, just trying to help, and I imagined up an entire scenario where they were telling their friends that I was stupid for not understanding the thing they were trying to help me with and I just felt myself losing it. I had to pull my car over on the way home to calm down after I left the restaurant I was talking to them on my phone at just to calm down and nothing even happened. This is pretty mild, and as far as I know and hope there was no lasting repercussion aside from the fact that I may have gotten a little snippy with someone I care about.

I don't know why I've typed this long essay. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. I know I can't get a diagnosis online, and I can't afford a therapist (I'm working on my job situation) I guess what I wanted to do is find out some possibilities of what could be causing this overwhelming anger, often based on nothing but my own over-active imagination, that frequently leads to breakdowns.