A quick background about myself...

I'm a divorced middle aged man with bi polar disorder. I've had girlfriends in the past of appropriate ages. But I broke off my last relationship because I didn't want my mental illness to become a problem for her. We're still friends and I think I made the right decision.

I've always been a bit of a pervert. And I have some harmless fetishes that I've come to accept with age. Occasionally, I find either comfort or arousal when wearing diapers and/or panties. I realize it's just the way my brain in wired, so to speak.

To be clear, I've never done anything in real life to be with a under aged girl. Sometimes I'll look at a cute girl the wrong way in public. But I try to get a grip on reality and stop myself before being noticed.

How hard is it for you to "get a grip on reality"? This is really important to consider.

What I struggle to keep under control is looking at young girls wearing bikinis and/or skimpy outfits that show off a little too much. Especially searching for pictures on sites that I won't mention here. It's something I'm not proud of and wish I could just stop doing it.

How "young" is young? What age group are you talking about here? Also, if you aren't going to mention the sites then that just makes things sound even more suspicious. I'm going to assume you mean porn sites and, if that's the case, you're already crossing the line here if these girls are underage.

Even if it is just a fantasy or an escape to just look at them, I know it not a healthy way to think or behave. I haven't been able to determine if I'm actually a pedophile, but I seem to be leaning in that direction.

If you seem to be leaning in that direction then please get help.

I'm also afraid to open up to my therapist about this issue. I'm concerned there could be an overreaction that could make matters worse. That's why I've come here to seek advise hoping for some level of anonymity.

Honestly...This might sound harsh but would you rather hold everything in and take it out on a young person or would you rather tell a therapist and get help?

So, is there a way to change my thinking? Can I actually get better and have some control over my urges? I hope so. Thanks for reading this far and also for any help that can be offered.