My Support Forums - View Single Post - Am I an awful person but not able to realize it?

sarahsweets · Apr 15, 2019 at 04:08 AM

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Originally Posted by missbella

Sarah, frankly, I dislike much of the advice-giving on these boards. What what one person might call direct and blunt another person might receive as presumptuous and condescending. I dislike labeling, prescription, and invalidation. Not infrequently I feel a scornful, sanctimonious undertones in deliveries here.

How do you feel when someone asks for advice?

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I think advice should be delivered extremely sparingly, if at all. Instead one can talk modestly about one has met a parallel challenge. When someone "needs" to give advice, like the urge to scratch an itch, it probably shouldn't be delivered. We're guests in each other's backyards; and I think feedback should be an authentic, respectful gift for the recipient.

Most people change slowly at best, and I never found labels, accusations and scorn helpful no matter how Dr. Phil operates.

I do agree with this.

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I assume recovery community members have occasions when blunt, straight talk is apt. I assume these are specific "contracts" the recovery community has to support each other in immediate, specific situations. It's a specific culture with specific challenges and emergencies.

I'm in the arts, and colleagues have specific ways to explore work. I conjecture our communication is quite different than in the recovery community. However, we still might have a gentle "honesty" that would be poorly received elsewhere in the world.

I am not one of those "straight talkers" with recovery. NO amount of bullying IME has ever made someone get sober. Even interventions that are so popular seem to have the potential to backfire. I try to be sensitive to others in that sense and remember that I was there too.

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When someone has been habitually unpleasant with me, I don't give them feedback. I try to offer it only to people I like for the right reasons, not as a weapon.

Well then I really appreciate your feedback with this.

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If by chance you did miscalculate with someone, that's a universal event. No one walks through life with a perfect communication record. It doesn't make you awful.

In general though, I think it good to think about the receiver before offering "blunt," "straight" assessments of them or their actions. No one is an ultimate truth-teller, so I think advice, if given at all, should be delivered with great humbleness and grace.

Yes another member did give me this advice. I am working on validating people and saying compassionate things.