Oh man that is really difficult. I’m sorry you got cancelled on, especially when you’re struggling so much.
I won’t repeat what has already been said, but I will encourage you to try to continue refraining from SI. Not for her. Not for God. But for you. Because you deserve to let go of that pain and dysfunctional coping mechanism. I’m so proud of you for making it so far this Lent - keep pushing through and just do your best.