Hello pricehaylein: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. Based on what you wrote, it sounds as though the somatic disorders forum may be one that will be of particular interest to you. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/soma...rs/index4.html

I'm not a mental health professional & I'm not knowledgeable with regard to somatic disorders. So I can't be of much help here. However there are others, here on PC, who are more familiar with them. Hopefully some of them will see your post & reply. Perhaps the one thing I can suggest is that, although you may feel crazy for admitting how you feel, you're not crazy. Many people struggle with the types of thoughts & desires you describe in your post. If you read through some of the threads in the somatic disorders forum, I believe you'll see that this is the case.

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.