My Support Forums - View Single Post - When we're able to see what others are doing wrong but struggle to see our own faults

sarahsweets · Apr 16, 2019 at 11:56 AM

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Originally Posted by rdgrad15

Has anyone realized that it is easy to see where other people, especially other friends or people we know well, are doing wrong in social situations that make it hard for them to make new friends or maintain them, yet we can't see what we may be doing ourselves that prevent us from making or maintaining friendships? I've seen people I know struggle to make or maintain friendships and I am able to see why. Usually they are too negative all the time or they come off too strong. Also sometimes they force themselves into conversations that didn't include them, and in a couple cases, say things that may be inappropriate or totally unrelated to what was being said, therefore, pushing others away.

I think the difference might be us seeing these things, assuming we are right, judging someone because those things and worse yet- feeling like we should say something to someone about it. I try to remember that the whole world doesn't need to hear what I have to say, the world doesn't revolve around me and that very often I am not "right". You say you are able to see the 'why' in situations like that-but for me, just when I think I've figured it out-I realize I am off the mark.

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Also in some unfortunate cases, they mistakenly think the person or people they are trying to be friends with are closer to them than they really are. I know I've done one of these for sure, which is mistakenly think someone or a group of people like me more or consider me more of a friend than they really did.

That situation can be very painful for sure, like a slap in the face. I have adhd in addition to other mental illnesses and my impulsive mouth or choices sometimes get the best of me. And that might mean I crack a joke that I think me and the other person(s) will think is funny-like an inside joke-but actually I am not even "on the inside" to be cracking a joke at all.

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I would think they actually wanted to be friends with me when in fact they were just acquaintances. But otherwise, I struggle to see what could be going wrong, other than the fact that I have a slight facial paralysis and hearing impairment which probably doesn't help matters.

I am sorry you feel that people treat you poorly due to a physical attribute that isn't nice at all.

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Meanwhile, a friend of mine will sometimes get upset that she feels rejected a lot which I completely understand and can relate to. I've seen her interact with others and I'm able to figure out why. Sometimes she mistakenly thinks they are closer than they are, which I've done before. I did that a lot when I was in high school but not anymore. But a lot of other times, she will force herself into conversations that originally didn't include her, which I never do. Usually that causes the other people who were talking to give her annoyed looks or just brush her off like she's not there.

What do you mean by "forcing" herself into conversations? Do you mean she is part of a group or walks up to a group and tries to comment and is ignored? Do you mean she is just in the group listening but they see it as an intrusion?

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I also knew someone that was constantly negative anytime something didn't go her way. And she didn't understand why she struggled to make new friends or maintain them.

Negativity is very hard for me to be around. Mostly because I feel like I might let it seep into my own personal outlook which is mostly positive. I have never been someone who identified with "misery loves company".

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Yet, other than my paralysis and hearing impairment, I struggle to understand why I can't make new friends or struggle maintaining them. I no longer assume people are closer to me than they really are. I hoped that would rectify the problem but it really hasn't. Clearly there is something else going on too that makes it difficult. Does anyone else have this issue where they struggle to see what they may be doing wrong, yet, they can easily see it in other people?

I think seeing yourself objectively is hard. Mostly because of our egos. I feel there is a part of human nature that makes us more critical of others when we see their faults and actually recognize them, even unconsciously. I know that when someone is getting under my skin at a meeting and I let it occupy my time, and start thinking about all the things wrong with that person- I am actually recognizing flaws in them that are actually my flaws- or at least partially. I think humans find the "familiar" comforting even if its not positive.
Its something I am not perfect at. What I try hardest to do is not treat someone unkind or truly not give them a chance just because I think I have it figured out. I mean seriously- who the hell am I anyway to even listen to my own bull *****.