My will to live for myself is non-existent.

I want to like life.
I want to like myself.
I want to like other people.

After almost 10 years of almost complete social isolation, profound poverty, and just plain uselessness in the world, I find myself suddenly at the very least in a good financial situation. So I have been working on myself for the last year and a half or so, working hard to learn how to be productive. Finding reasons to leave the house, seeing a therapist, losing weight taking better care of myself.

And I feel better physically. And sometimes I think I'm doing better mentally, but then something happens like what my therapist did the other day that I posted on another thread, covertly changed his work days so that my therapy day doesn't exist anymore, in effect dumping me unceremonious ly. I finally think that somebody cares and they prove yet again that they don't really. My parents didn't and I have no friends. I've tried going out to meet ups but I find most people annoying and the work of socializing is just that to me, work. It is not enjoyable how can relationships be fulfilling? I saw a glimpse at how they could be through my therapist but then he went and proved to me that it was just an illusion part of the therapeutic process. Real relationships aren't powerful like the therapeutic relationship. And then they will eventually remind you that you're not actually special they're just trying to build up your self-esteem.

So what's the point? Why should I take care of myself? Why should I try to build my self-esteem? Why should I keep trying to be productive? To what end? The world is just a place I have to be. I'm not going to harm myself right now but that day will come eventually if I don't find something in this world that means something.

What is it that holds people so strongly to life? What is it that fulfills people? Is it just momentary pleasures? That isn't enough for me. Relationships? That's the one I always hear about but what about people like me who for some reason they just never work? Not even when I pay someone to spend time with me even they abandoned me.

It seems to me like existence is effort and pain a few momentary Pleasures sprinkled in here and there but the balance just doesn't make it seem worth it.

I want to want to live. But I don't. How do you do it? What is the secret?