I must remember that i like being back at work the first day after being home because im so lost in my world that work seems something going on in the background all day and it isnt as heavy as other days. so today at work it went ok. and my supervisors didnt make me feel too bad. they even asked me what happened to my arm. it was nice of them.

my arm is still itching a lot and swollen but i know it will pass, even though the other night it seemed so bad i already fantasized about being in hospital, having it opened up and even amputated. i didnt like the fantasy, but i would have liked maybe getting a fever and "having to" stay at home for a few more days

the only thing ruining a bit my day today, was my mom tonight on the phone because she said exactly what i had expected her to say: "would you text your brother and ask him how he is?". and i had my answer ready: "i had a sick day too, so why wouldnt HE text me about it?". she said "maybe he didnt think about it". so what? "maybe i didnt think about it either!!!". for the record, i did text him as soon as we ended the phone call, but why does he always have to come first??? i CANT not feel jealous. i know i shouldnt, but i CANT!!!

anyway, tomorrow i'll have a session with T, i'll give her a small present for easter, and then we'll have the meeting with the HR and my supervisors. i dont feel i have anything to say. if they ask me something i'll answer, but i really have nothing to say. i know T will try to bring up how much pressure the supervisors are often putting on me lately, but i hope we'll be done with it as soon as possible.

then my parents will come at my flat to fix the mirror, but then i hope they'll go home and not stay for dinner because i have to finish my letter for exT. i'll see Him on thrus. then i'll have the whole afternoon free and i dont know what to do with it. i'd like to go at my parents' because i dont know what to do with myself at my flat but i'll have to think about it.

tonight something funny happened. i noticed my bathrrom sink is a bit dirty and i shrugged it off thinking to myself "mom will clean it". then i realized "mom will not clean it". i'll have to do it myself. i didnt do it, but sooner or later i will. i must have an issue with cleaning because most of the times i dont notice it needs to be done, and when i do, i dont care and tell myself i'll do it another time, when i'll feel more like it but it never happens! maybe thats what i should do on thrus afternoon… could be an idea.

my neighbors are still screming and the white noise is still helping but today i heard them screming from the building entrance door (and we are on the 2nd floor). why did i have to get these neighbors as neighbors? i couldnt know it before coming to live here and buying the flat... i was really unlucky. but at least there isnt a baby crying all night and i usually do get to have a good night sleep even though the wake up call is usually my neighbors yelling. i hope i'll get to sleep well tonight and tomorrow will be ok. im worried about this f***ing meeting.

now i'll print my exT letter in case i dont get to do it tomorrow. its important. i must be prepared. but im only really really scared because im going to do something i swore i wouldnt have done anymore… writing letters to exT. why cant i stop it? its a bit like chocolate. its a bit like drugs. im addicted. i hope exT wont be mad at me and will read the letter. its not even said He will… maybe that possibility is scaring me as well. it scares me to think He shows me He cares but when He can get away with it, He wont give a sh*it.