Quote:
Originally Posted by resurgam
so because she has a family emergency you're going to lash out & hurt yourself? well that will teach her!
shame on her for having to deal with trauma in her own life in a safe way! I read her so often that we want the best for out "t's" except for when we don't.
so stop the self harm for a few more days. you can do that..for yourself, not for her because you didn't give it up for her, but really for lent, right? she didn't just give up on YOU..she had a family crisis..maybe an illness, death, etc. you don't know. and honestly it's none of your business...but she had to cancel..
what if she didn't, but had your session and wasn't there "mentally?" you would complain about it....probably she cancelled for more then you. therapists have lives..people get sick, cars break down, people get sick, family issues happen far away..just like for us. and they have to cancel. do you ever cancel appt's for things or are you always 100% spot on for everything??? give it thought
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I'm not really concerned I'm going to SH before Lent is over. I have made a commitment, and I have a couple of people IRL to talk to about it, and I have PC that has been supporting me. I am very concerned I'm going to go back to it after Lent. T last session, last month, was pushing me to extend out the time and at the time I wasn't really ready to hear it, and then slowly I've been coming around to it, but without that encouragement or push from T then I'm not sure I'm going to be able to stick to it. I'll admit, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to fail and it's going to be an epic fail. Maybe I'm setting it up in my head, but I know myself and I've been here too many times to not think that it won't all come crashing down. I guess I wanted T to be there, not just for the SUI feelings, but to talk to about extending out the time, and she couldn't be, for probably a very good reason, but I still needed T yesterday. There's nothing wrong with needing someone. Sometimes they just can't show up for you, that's all. And that's the sucky part of life. And yesterday that sucked for me. I'm sure dealing with whatever was going on in T's life sucked for her. She probably would have preferred not to deal with it, but that's life too. We gotta take the good with the bad.
I do understand that T had an emergency and it was nice that she called me herself instead of having the office staff do it, although TBH, I didn't recognize her voice when she called, but I often don't when people call me on the phone due to my hearing loss. I'm feeling less abandoned about it today. I'm feeling less upset about it today. Yesterday I really wanted to be heard and people here on PC did a great job hearing me and I really appreciate everyone's responses and the care that was shown to me and the hugs and everything.
Of course I'm not always spot on, and I'm sure there are times I let people down and they have to deal with their emotions about it just as I have to deal with my emotions when someone lets me down. So I whined about it, and I asked to be heard. I did entertain SH for a little bit, not too long, but I didn't SH. Not yesterday. Not today. Not for all of Lent. What happens next, I don't know. Time will tell. Hopefully I can use this as a turning point, and be able to push forward without T's help. But if I fail after Lent, I don't want to beat myself up over it either. I have a lot to try to figure out this week, and I have a nice treat for myself the Monday after Easter as a sort of celebration for all the hard work of Lent. Maybe I can keep this going, maybe I can't. I just don't know yet. Part of me feels undone. And I gotta sort that. HUGS Kit