I don't know if I can help, but I do that to myself also. The past two relationships ended with the women telling me at length what a horrible person I am because they kept inventories. Any slight I had done over the past five years.. boom. Never forgiven, never forgotten. My mom did that also. Not to me, but she sure knew when this person did her wrong or that one. So, I have internalized it to at least some degree that I am a horrible person. My higher brain knows I'm not, but it's hard to convince the rest of me that is the case. So I tend to shy away from trying to find anyone else, telling myself why bother? I want to fix that, it's why I am here.