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sinking
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Member Since: Nov 2012
Location: Italy - but living in my head
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Default Apr 18, 2019 at 02:23 PM
 
Thank you Mopey.

today was emotionally hard. work went by without problems, i was all focused on the upcoming exT session.

i brought in the letter for Him. i was supposed to read a part of it and leave the rest for Him to read it afterwards, but i changed my mind while i was walking to go in. i was SO afraid of how He would have taken it that i decided it was more important to talk about that fear and what i was feeling in that moment, than anything else that had already happened and was already written down. He said it was a good choice.

i told Him i was afraid that He would be bothered by me writing Him the letter and kind of pushing Him to take extra time to read my letter outside the session. i also said i was afraid that He was there and in spite of whatever He would have said, in His mind He was actually thinking "why does she keep coming back bothering me and why does she keep writing me, making me waste my time?".

i kept apologizing and saying i didnt want to write but i couldnt stop myself and i kept asked Him again and again if it was acceptable for Him to have me coming back and writing Him letters (now or also in the future). i dont know why He never answered back with a clear yes or no answer. He did say He will read the letter "at the pace and in the manner" that will be possible for Him, but He never said whether it was ok or not for me to write Him or keep writing to Him.

i dont know if it is because He couldnt say it was ok, if it was actually not - and plainly lie to me, or if its because He knew i wouldnt have trusted His words anyway because of my fears, so He answered saying "if i didnt want to be here, i wouldnt be". that simple sentence made it so obvious to me that He did want to be there. there with me. it helped with the doubts about me continuing seeing Him (He even said He hopes i'll consider going back to therapy with Him), but it didnt help with the doubts about whether or not writing Him a letter was a problem and a bother to him or not.

He kept pointing out how much torn i must have been between following the need to write to Him (to keep Him updated) and wanting/needing more time with Him, and the need to shut down that need because it scares me.

i told Him how this doesnt happen with anyone else. yes, i am torn around people, but never with such an intensity. that i do have people to talk to, but that He is special to me. and that i dont care about anyone else as much as i care about Him. that He keeps being god to me, because i always go in afraid and i always come out happy and changed at least for a little while. He kept saying He must be a bad and disappointing god if i dont expect Him to be understanding of this need of mine to write to Him. and i replied that its not His job anymore to care about my needs. its a bit complicated if we only meet once in about 3 months.

He also brought up the issue that i need to check on Him to see if He's still there or not and i admitted to Him that i do think about it and i also think about when He'll be retired and we'll never see each other again. i said i want to die before this happens and i want to die before anyone else in my life disappears.

We fixed next appt. in july and He said i can contact Him anytime if i need it. that He's there. He accepted my letter, i looked Him in the eyes and i told Him i love Him. He didnt answer as He usually does, but softly and warmly touched my arm while saying goodbye. that touch was so warm that was worth a million words. He may not have said its ok for me to write to Him, but He did make me feel welcomed and cared for.

now of course i cant wait to see Him next time and ask him if He read the letter and if it was too much of a bother to Him, but for now i feel we're good. this time i didnt leave feeling lighter or comforted or reassured or "better" but i did leave feeling i did the right thing talking about my current feelings rather than telling Him about anything else that wouldnt have mattered. and if anything would have mattered, i hope He will read it on the letter.

then i went home, had lunch, wrote down what i remembered from the session, wrote the thank you letter for my T and then spent the rest of the day in bed. i didnt clean up, i didnt feel like it. i wasted my time looking at old pics, playing with Candy Crush, chatting a bit with WhatsApp and rethinking over and over about the session with exT. then i cooked a little bit for dinner and ended my day coming here on PC as always.

it will be a long wait until july, but i count on these feelings slowly losing grip and letting me focusing on something or someone else. and anyway i do know that if it becomes too much, i CAN text/call Him. this IS a relief.

Tomorrow is a full day at work. i hope it wont be too hard. then i'll see my friend for dinner and then i'll go at my parents'. im not sure how much resting this weekend will be, since its easter and we'll have to spend it together with my brother too, but i hope that except for eating better and more, they'll let me be in my room resting and watching my tv series as always.

__________________
* Heaven is a place where Nothing Ever Happens - "Heaven" by Talking Heads
* Death ends a life, Not a Relationship - Mitch Albom
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