Hi there,
I'd just like to hear what you think. I feel like I could have some mental health problems, probably some kind of manic depression. But when I read about it, my situation seems not so bad compared to what I've read.

A complication is that I don't really remember my strange moods. I just forget every of my feelings immediately and I feel like nothing unusual ever happened. I know what happened, what I was doing and how I felt, but I feel like it wasn't real, if you understand. I also really want to think that I'm totally okay and nothing is wrong with me. But what I know is this:

I have some periods of bad mood. It lasts usually from one to three months. I thing it's not very serious since I can do the majority of things as usual (excepting some moments). I just don't feel good. Sometimes I'm tired and feel empty, sometimes I cry for no reason, sometimes I'm anxious. I also quite often think about death and I have some moments when I feel like I deserve death because I'm horrible person and everybody would be glad if I died. But I think my behaviour is quite normal and nobody notices any changes (or at least nobody told me).

On the other hand, I have also some periods of strange good mood. These periods are more various. Sometimes I feel quite euphoric and sometimes I have just a strange feeling, like something extraordinary will definitely happen and will definitely be something great. I often think that I'm in contact with another dimension and then I write strange philosophical texts about music (I'm a composition student). But I also don't think I behave strangely during these periods. Maybe I'm sometimes more talkative. There are also more strange periods of strange good mood when I have a lot of energy and can't get rid of it. Then I often just run somewhere (and that's strange because I usually hate running). I also speak faster and gestikulate more. Once I even planned to have sex with the first man I'll see (and that's totally not my style), but i didn't do it.

I have also some mixed periods when I can laugh loudly and plan a suicide in one moment. It usually comes when I don't sleep enough. Once I met a friend during this period and he stared at me all the time and asked three times if I was okay.

I didn't do anything to solve it and I don't think I will do so in the future. I don't feel like it's so serious and I got quite used to it... and I so desperately want to think that I'm totally okay (or at least just a mad composer). But I'd love to know your opinion.

Thank you for reading this and sorry for the long text and for my bad English.