Hello LittleEarthquakes,

I am so sorry you are struggling with chemical dependence on alcohol. You mentioned that you are not seeking medical advice. Is it okay to ask if you have a MD you trust? Since you are being treated for stomach ulcers at a young age, I assume your doc knows that you're struggling with alcohol. Are you able to speak candidly with the doctor....so he/she can medically answer your fears about damage to your body...they should be able to evaluate that and explain so you know where you stand from a physiological point of view.

Have you ever talked to a therapist about the cravings? About why you drink? Do you know why you drink....I mean aside from the chem dep....why did you start drinking? I have known quite a few folks struggling with chem dep....they all experienced prior trauma in their lives....they were trying to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs which unfortunately leads to more trauma as you know.

I think the key for someone to heal from chemical dependence is to have professional support with healing from the trauma or mental illness which is triggering the desire to self-medicate....to learn how to replace the self-medication with safer ways of coping. I hope that idea does not offend you. I obviously don't know you or your history. Am I way off to suggest that there was intense pain in your life even prior to the drinking problem?

I wonder if you will find some comfort in the Ted Talk I have linked here. There are some really important ideas presented about addiction. Reminded me of my brother.

Ted Talk: Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong
YouTube

My best recommendation would be to find a kind and non-judgmental therapist with a background in caring for clients struggling with chem dep. Talk to that person. Tell them your fears. See what happens. You are 24 and your brain, though troubled now, has a remarkable capacity to re-wire with the right intervention.

The anxiety seems to be overwhelming you right now....that could likely lead to more drinking as you try to relax.....like getting caught in a loop, right? What else could help your anxiety? To break the loop. What might make you feel better, even for an hour or two as a start?

I wish you peace, hope, good health, and a bright future. You deserve it. Remember that. You deserve peace and joy.

(Feel free to let me know what you think of the Ted Talk)