The therapist has done a few things that I have found hurtful and/or unhelpful recently. We have talked about a couple of them, but not all. I did not find the discussions that we did have helpful in resolving how I felt about each situation. I was actually surprised (and displeased) to find that I was affected by the therapist's actions to the extent that I felt hurt by some of them. This does not seem like a good thing to me - to give the therapist the power to hurt me. Here are the things that have occurred recently that I am talking about:

• When I was depressed and had trouble getting started in a session last week, she asked me why I had come if I wasn't going to talk. This was less than 10 minutes into the session. Then she suggested that if I "didn't want to be here" (which I had never said), that maybe C could come instead. This struck me as really insensitive since she knows I struggle with jealousy towards C.
• She ignored a text I sent her explicitly asking if she had laughed at me about something. I do admit that I was too vague about what I was referring to. However, I still think she should have taken the time to at least indicate that she didn't know what I was talking about, and requesting that we wait and talk about it in our next session. I was extremely distressed when I sent the first text, and the fact that she ignored it (which she insists on calling her "not responding" instead) was pretty upsetting. The question I was asking, although apparently unclear to her, was if she found the details of a traumatic incident I had once told her funny. I had also texted this question to her following the session in which I had disclosed the details, and she had responded, so in my mind her lack of a response was indicative of something bad.
• She has forgotten the only ****ing incident in my trauma history that I have actually relayed to her. I have suspected this for a while, but got confirmation in the session after she ignored my text asking if she had laughed at my trauma. She tried to say I've told her lots of things, but that's absolutely not true. I've only told her the details of one thing, and apparently, it went in one ear and out the other. Then she had the nerve to ask me to tell her again. I informed her that if she couldn't remember, I certainly wasn't going to tell her. I mean, what would be the point? I'm actually getting really worked up right now because today we talked about my fear of her laughing and how that stops me from sharing. But you know what, that's not the only thing. I might as well share with a rock as with her if she's going to get amnesia about it. She couldn't even remember the one thing I told her! Wtf!
• She either doesn't understand profound and severe depression, or she just thinks it's something that can be changed by willpower. This shows in some of the things she says.
• She called me by C's name and I had to correct her.
• Today she pretty much told me not to text her except for appointments.

The last one might be the straw that breaks the camel's back for me. I don't text her often. She hardly ever responds, and usually I don't require one. I respect her right to set her own boundaries around between session contact. I'm just not sure having no options between sessions is going to work for me. I'm not really sure what to tell C, either. This will confirm the fear she developed the last time she texted the therapist, which was more than a month ago. She had been in a legitimate crisis and had really wanted to hurt us after some drama at our old job that culminated in her handing in our resignation.

C has a lot of shame around being needy, hardly ever contacted the therapist outside of session, but thought that the circumstances were surely enough this time that the therapist wouldn't be annoyed. Unfortunately, the therapist's response consisted of the single sentence "We will talk about it tomorrow" (in the session). Is that cold or what? C handled it better than I expected, but she vowed to never contact the therapist outside of session again and she hasn't trusted her since. C and I have a lot of relationship problems, but I felt really bad for her in that instance. All she had wanted was a kind word to help her get through the next 24 hours. Not a back and forth over text, just some expression of concern or something (C likes that kind of thing).

Anyway, what's kind of confusing for me is that she never mentioned her "preferences" before. She said she "doesn't usually do back and forth texting with her clients." That pissed me off for a couple of reasons. First, I wish she had said that a long time ago because I feel like an idiot. Also, that makes it sound like I'm asking her to provide therapy over text. I've never done that. Looking over my texts, I've sent four kinds: informative, venting, yes/no questions, and, unfortunately, a few manipulative threats. The first two don't even require a response from her. The third type only happened a few times, and literally only needed her to say yes or no. The fourth type is not good, obviously. I was very fearful of the therapist when I first started talking to her and felt threatened by the things she was saying. So I would text her that she had to admit that I had never been abused or I would never speak to her again. I think that was after the first or second time I talked to her. I did also tell her I never wanted to speak to her again after she had ignored my text last week for a whole day. I can't remember if I actually meant it or not.

The thing is, my complex about the therapist laughing at my traumas is so enormous it's almost like I become psychotic or something when the paranoia is triggered. I don't mean this in the sense that I should not have to control myself in texting her. I could control myself (I think. Probably. Maybe. Probably.). My concern is that I'm not really sure that she is the right person for me to pursue doing trauma work with if I'm not going to be allowed to occasionally obtain confirmation between sessions that she does not find what I tell her funny. I would certainly monitor myself so that obtaining such a reassurance did not become routine, but the intensity of this fear is such that it could probably be considered a phobia. If I had not been able to obtain what I had asked for from the therapist (by threatening to never talk to her again), I'm not sure if I would have been able to bring myself to talk to her in a session again.

Anyway, I feel like my negative transference has reached a boiling point. I call it transference because the amount of emotion is out of all proportion and not what I am accustomed to feeling. I'm having pretty vicious thoughts, tbh. Don't get me wrong, it's nothing of a violent nature, at least not directed towards her person. I do keep having thoughts of trashing her office, though. Slashing open all the furniture and stuff. Maybe carving some choice expletives into her desk. I am at the point where I have started to insult her in my mind. That doesn't seem good.

Whatever trust I had in her seems to have been lost over the past few sessions. The crazy thing is she doesn't have any idea how angry I am. I've been feeling so bad lately that I just haven't been up to confronting her about things. Today when she said the stuff about texting, I just felt defeated and like it had become the new normal for my sessions to accomplish nothing positive.

I am tempted to leave a message over the weekend with the receptionist to cancel my appointments for next week. It would be kind of awkward to ditch the therapist without a word since my psychiatrist works in the same suite, but I guess I could get a new psychiatrist, too. I don't know. I'll see how I feel after the weekend, I guess.