I had Mr Blank Slate T, and as time went by I found it increasingly difficult to do therapy that way. I wanted my sessions to be about me and I didn't want in-depth details about his life, so I'm grateful I got that, especially in the early sessions when I was in distress. But as time passed, and he refused to tell me how old he was or who else was in the house with us (sessions were at his home) or even what he did on the weekend, it made me feel very pushed out. Over time it left me feeling powerless and like there was something wrong with me, because those kind of conversations are pretty normal, even in a professional context.

For example, I have a very private colleague at work that I like, and while he keeps mum about nearly everything personal, I do know he's married, that he likes his holidays in Cornwall, and that he went to see the Culture Club once. It just helps make the interactions feel human to know a tiny bit about someone. That's what I was looking for with my therapist. If my therapist had consented to a couple minutes of small talk at the beginning of each session I think it would have helped immensely.

I also had a somewhat mostly blank slate T in my teens that made sessions about me, but did self-disclose a little. She would tell me point blank when she couldn't relate to a problem I was having AND I asked (my religious crisis) but would talk briefly about her own experiences if she could relate AND I asked (having very critical parents).

She never overshared -- for example, I once called her house to rearrange an appt (this was before cellphones) and her husband let me know she didn't live there any more and her new number. She told me in the next session she had divorced a year prior and left it at that. I appreciated her up-frontedness and didn't feel the need to know more.

There was another time I forgot our scheduled appt. It was outside her normal hours, and the next session she did tell me she was annoyed with me. We talked through it and I appreciated having her honest emotions to consider while not feeling the relationship was under threat. I knew she could be honest, and that helped me open up more in later sessions.

While I don't think she was as talented as my blank slate therapist, I did feel more comfortable with her and didn't feel like someone was withholding from me for the sake of withholding. I felt more at ease with her, I felt ready when I ended sessions, and I didn't spend my spare time wondering who she was. From that perspective, I felt it was a healthier relationship.

Looking back, I think Mr Blank Slate therapist's problem wasn't that he was Blank Slate but more that he couldn't adapt whatsoever. He started with a client who needed Blank Slate, but couldn't change when that approach stopped working. I would tell him quite honestly both the helpful and unhelpful things I found in my first round of therapy, including honest and open reactions from the therapist, and gave him the above examples, but he never took those on board or seemed interested. He never modified his approach. I started feeling it was a helpful and compassionate relationship, but as time went on I felt it was actually artificial. By the end, it felt downright fake.

It's a big part as to why I left. If my therapist isn't willing to trust my judgement on what helps me, or discuss why he disagrees with my judgement, or simply admit my needs are valid but he personally can't meet them, then that's not a person I want to see. I'm not a child.

I think one of the main things a therapist should be doing is helping clients find and trust their own instincts for what they want and need in their life, and if they can't do that I don't see the point in going to therapy.

It's not about being Blank Slate or not Blank Slate. It's about recognising when you can't work in the way your client needs. One thing I find is that therapists tend to think they'll be good at solving any problem and that their approach will work for everyone.

My first therapist stopped taking new 'general' clients on halfway through my therapy to focus working with parents of children with autism. She told me that while she thought she was good at the therapy I was receiving, her strengths were elsewhere. As a teen I didn't really get it, but now, as an adult, I have a lot of respect for her admitting that.