I've enjoyed restful nights and mornings. It feels like a treat to not be "on call" round the clock. I visit the nursing home daily, usually put him to bed there, then come home to peace. Alas . . . the care that he gets when I'm not there is sadly deficient. He's tolerating the situation. And I've needed this break. Across the hall from him is a patient who hollars continuously. He is obviously distressed mentally and his feet are swollen from sitting in a wheelchair all day. I'll have to get him out of there pretty soon . . . and hope he doesn't come home permanently damaged by having been there.

This evening I go out for dinner with an old friend. Haven't seen her for months. I'm sorry for the price he's paying, in order for me to have what I need.

At least he's off isolation now and able to have physical therapy in the gym. But that's one hour a day. The rest if the time he's mostly left to sit in a wheelchair in front of a TV in his room. Due to his dementia, he can't figure out how to change the channel . . . can't manipulate the remote. I wouldn't be doing this, if he'ld been a nicer guy. I tell myself that he's been lucky to get as much as he's gotten out of me, given that this relationship has not been all that great.

Well, I better get over there. It will be hard to leave him this evening. Usually, I bring in "take out" and have that with him. Last night we had Chinese food. This feels like the most hard-headed and hard-hearted thing I've ever done in this relationship. But I'm a person too . . . and the quality of my life has to matter too. Unfortunate that there has to be this trade-off: What's good for me isn't good for him. That is the hard reality.