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MeInMyBunnySlippers
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Member Since: Apr 2019
Location: Salinas, California
Posts: 4
3 yr Member
6 hugs
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Default Apr 20, 2019 at 11:49 PM
 
Yep, feeling that right now. I have always had that feeling. That I am living on the edges of society and I don't fit in anywhere. I am an alien. I shouldn't be here but I guess I insisted I have only been able to cope with it so far by acknowledging that there is nothing wrong with my life. I also reminded myself when I was in my manic state of mind to remind myself that reality remains the same and I am the one who has a changing perspective.

It is still a horribly heavy-yet-empty cavernous place (does dark matter have weight)in your being, right in the middle of your chest. When I was younger on the street I would go numb, because that was the most useful for survival mode.

But basically I attribute this feeling of emptiness to the many disappointment I suffered as a child. It is the continuous feeling of having been disappointed by the people that you believed should have cared and taken care of you both physically and emotionally. I also have anxiety because of the dread I felt along with the fear of being physically abused.

I chastise myself for allowing these thoughts of negativity and self-loathing or just telling myself how much better off I'd be if this, that. or the other thing...and blah, blah, blah.

I hold on with the knowledge that as long as I continue I will soon find myself walking down the pleasant road being grateful for everything and smiling on the inside. The depression legs of my journey always seem much longer than the manic ones. It seriously is just a matter of perspective. Unfortunately, I have trouble tapping the happy perspective right now.

But this too shall pass...
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Thanks for this!
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