It's not hard to see why he wants me around. I sure serve a lot of purposes in his life. When I'm away from him, he literally counts the minutes. He times me when I'm away from him. He's always computing how long an errand should take me and then getting fretful, if I don't return when he expects. Yet he's not what I'ld describe as a "controlling" person. He even seems to like me to be "in control." He was often happy to defer to my judgement in a lot of things. I'ld almost describe him as "clingy." He's never been what I would call "domineering." Not at all. "Needy" would apply better.

And he's always been a one-woman guy. Never the least bit interested in finding anyone else. He seems to like me a lot.

Part of the problem, I think, is that he doesn't understand depression at all. He seems immune to it, himself. He experiences anxiety, but not depression. When he sees me moping and not keeping up with things, he just has no patience or tolerance. But I put up with him having a drinking problem for 12 years. I tell him that I have trouble staying in a positive frame of mind, similar to how he used to have trouble staying sober. Though he was a lot more dysfunctional from his problem in big ways - like not holding down employment and ending up homeless. I would bail him out of being on the street . . . repeatedly. He never had to rescue me like that. Depression never led to me not taking care of my responsibilities. And it's not like I go around being blue and miserable all the time. I'm not chronically in a depressed mood. A good percentage of the time, I'm basically alright. But I experience chronically recurring depression. I go through episodes of feeling depressed. But an episode is like a bad cold. It lasts for a bit and then clears up. In between "episodes," I'm pretty much okay. But, sooner or later, there's always another episode. There always will be. He thinks that's just baloney and that it's just silly for me to get depressed. Twelve years after I met him, he had a serious health issue that motivated him to stop drinking. So he did. And that was that. Made up his mind and never seemed to even struggle with any temptation. Not that sobriety turned him into the perfect person. Though, I guess - in his mind - it changed him enough to where he became pretty satisfied with who he was. He became quite dependable. He could make a plan and stick to it. I'm less stable. I might go a week being very productive and attending to everything very diligently. Then, during one of my "episodes," I can go two days letting dirty dishes pile up in the sink, not getting dressed, not even bringing in the mail and staying up all night staring at the TV set. He thinks that's just ridiculous. When he was physically able, he would happily do anything I didn't feel like doing. He'ld cook and clean. But now he can't. I have to do it all. He can't walk. He can't peel a potato. He can't open a can of soup. In my defence, though, I make sure his needs are all met. Dinner is on the table every night. I might leave the kitchen a mess afterward, but he gets fed . . . and I eventually catch up on the dishes. When I'm depressed, might go 5 days without taking a shower, myself . . . but I make sure his hygiene is what it should be. I might neglect taking my own thyroid medicine in the morning, but the various meds he gets 4 times a day are all given. So I don't become irresponsible about meeting his care needs, but I neglect other things, like household maintenance. I neglect myself. I sometimes go a day or two without brushing my own teeth. This is depression. I thinks I should just decide not to get that way.

He's not the only on. People who don't experience clinical depression will say: "I could find things to get depressed about, but I don't let myself. I have a daily routine, and I stick to it. All it takes is a little self-discipline." One of my sisters has told me that. She has told me: "You let yourself get paralyzed."

I guess it's because he really likes who I am when I'm not depressed; so he gets disgusted with what I turn into when I'm "having an episode." A doctor once told me that I'm bipolar. Whatever I am, I guess it's hard to be around sometimes.

A good quality I have, though, is that I am very responsive to encouragement. One pdoc diagnosed me as having "atypical depression." The hallmarks of that are sensitivity to rejection and the tendency to brighten up in response to positive experiences. That's me. I wonder how much better I could be, mentally, if I had a partner who didn't always act toward me in a way that exacerbates my problem. I help him . . . a lot. He should want to help me. He could, if he would just understand. But he truly doesn't understand. His dementia is worsening, so I have no hope that our relationship will improve. I'll just give more and get less. I guess that's why I'm burning out. I keep getting demoralized. I don't look forward to bringing him home.