Hi everyone,
With mixed feelings of irony, frustration, rage, impotence, compassion, patience, giving up, encouraging myself...
I'm having a bad reaction to coming off oral steroids for asthma.
Yes, I need to talk to my doctor about this but it's Easter and he's taking 3 weeks holiday.
Meanwhile... I've been totally totally exhausted. Doing everyday things, and overcoming everyday obstacles such as a public transport system what wasn't running for 5 days - is a mind-numbing challenge.

Plus I've had no appetite but know that it's abusive to my body to come out of illness and eat junk food. Preparing food, cleaning the kitchen up afterwards, even eating the food - takes about an hour of motivational chat with myself beforehand.

Since I can't do much short-term about the physical situation, I'm trying to use this time of feebleness to evaluate my psychological compulsions. For instance, I get angry that I have a huge to do list and am not doing it - so I'm trying to adapt by setting myself short tasks rather than giving up entirely. Today's early morning task was scrubbing clean the frying pan... and then wash... and then clean kitchen implements and surfaces.

I'm trying to use this as downtime to sit with my emotions about things, sigh!

I've also printed out some online stuff about additional meds useful for acute asthma to discuss with my GP when he condescends to start working again.

Does anyone else experience an extreme inner conflict between being driven and task-focused as a personality and being physically ill. Dealing badly with this conflict means "forcing" myself to do stuff and then collapsing afterwards. Dealing badly with this conflict also means anxiety and raging against the body-self that isn't under control.

I really want to learn to reflect on my reactivity in many dimensions of my life. It's not useful in relating to myself or in relating to other people. What I want and need is some more stable state of inner being, and I've been there sometimes but sickness throws me right out of it.

Saidso