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Earthmama
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Member Since: Apr 2019
Location: New Lenox
Posts: 6
3 yr Member
Default Apr 22, 2019 at 08:00 AM
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverTrees View Post
Hello Earthmama,

Thank you for sharing your truth here. I encourage you to trust your initial instinct. This is unhealthy. I learned about this phenomenon a while ago through a reference on TV and did some research. I believe the slang term for men who engage with a partner the way your husband is would be "feeder." The dynamic is that the man encourages the woman to eat more and more while watching her grow to obese levels. This is not a simple appreciation of curves; it stems from an unhealthy need to control and dominate. In some cases, the men enjoy seeing the women get to the point where they have difficulty getting out of a chair or moving independently due to the obesity.

You said you had an athletic body. Unless you decided yourself that you'd like to have a curvier body, it is not appropriate for your husband to try to change your physique. It's one thing to ask a wife: "Would you wear your blue dress to dinner on Saturday, that's my favorite" but it is something entirely different to endeavor to change an "athletic" wife into an overweight wife. Aside from the physical health implications (higher cholesterol/increased risk of cerebrovascular disease from tubs of ice cream and boxes of doughnuts) if you submit to your husband's pressure here, you will be getting into a very unhealthy dynamic which is likely to continue becoming more extreme. Perhaps he is living with an addiction. How do you feel about your body being the medium for his addiction?

Think about how this came about. Did he sit down one day and ask: "you know I have a thing for curves....have you ever thought about filling out a little more?" (Though that would already be on the border of appropriate since loving someone means accepting their body as is but at least it would be an open and honest chat) Instead he is going about this in a rather underhanded manner....gradually trying to gain more and more control of your eating habits.

As for the porn searches, it is not okay to check a partner's private history on their computer. That's a boundary violation. I understand that you are feeling concerned but I encourage you to speak with your husband directly about your concerns about the obsession with weight gain (not the search history) rather than spying on his private actions.

The first step would be to tell him you are not comfortable with him trying to get you to gain weight. See how he responds. If he apologizes and never brings it up again, great! However, if he does not respond well....tries to shame you or refuses to discuss it or suggests that you are over-reacting, I recommend talking to an experienced therapist.

Trust me, I am very open about sex and I am well aware that men and women can have all sorts of sexual desires which are harmless. However, based on what you posted and what I learned about "feeders" I encourage you to step back and think about this...I think it's a serious problem. If your husband is a "feeder" I believe there is an element of abuse involved with his current actions toward you regarding your eating habits.

I hope you and your husband can have a good talk about this. Remember that there are therapists out there who are trained to deal with this sort of issue if you feel that you folks need that. Best wishes to you as you navigate this confusing issue.

Thank you for your reply. These are good things to consider. I do find myself worrying that it is a form of abuse and control. My husband is very skinny and eats very little. He is a very picky eater and only eats for survival; very rarely for enjoyment. I wonder if and how that is connected to him watching women eat and gain weight in porn as well as wanting me to eat more than I need to and gain weight.

The worst part of it all is that I used to be so confident in myself. I managed to go through my entire teenage years without having self esteem issues or eating issues. Now I constantly worry if my body looks okay and if I should eat this or that. I see myself in photos and can’t believe how chunky I am.

I think you’re right about stepping back and really considering this before moving forward. I have let him have a little fun with it and played along in his fantasy, but I can’t keep up with this my whole life.

May I ask where you found your research about this? I have searched everywhere on the internet and can’t seem to find more information on the topic. Thanks!!
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Thanks for this!
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