T Thursday. Went back and sat down. I pulled out a list. T looked pointedly at it, and I said just a few things to discuss. He asked where I wanted to start.

I said I wanted to share something that I thought was progress. That he'd said something the previous session that normally would have upset me, and it did for a second, but then I realized he was just trying to help me. T said that sounded encouraging. Me: "I guess you probably want to know what it is." T: "Yes." So I told him about how he'd said that it was like H wasn't allowed to talk about my cheating. That at first, there was this thought of "Hey, you're supposed to be on my side!" Then I realized it wasn't about sides, that he was trying to help me. Me: "And if you're just going to be a..." T: "Yes man?" Me: "Exactly. If you were going to be a 'yes man' to me, that wouldn't be helpful." T: "Well, it would likely feel good in the moment if I just agreed with everything you said. But it wouldn't lead to change." Me: "Yeah. So I think my realizing that is progress." T smiled and said he agreed.

We talked briefly about my cheating and how I react so strongly whenever it comes up (for example, I was crying right then). I said I suspected that I still felt guilt over it, and T agreed. He said it's something that I have to work through, that if I don't, the guilt would continue to be there. How I need to work on forgiving myself. Me: "I do think it's definitely something I need to work on, but I don't want to do that today." T: "Yes, I have the sense you wanted to talk about other things." Me: "yeah."

I said one thing was tied to my emailing him Sunday when I felt really awful. That I'd considered trying to reach out to him another way, like texting and requesting a call. Me: "But I was afraid because of the conversation we'd just had that you'd think I was testing you." T: "I probably would have thought you were testing me." Me: "Oh." I wasn't sure what else to say to that.

Me: "I think something else is...I worry that you might not take me seriously enough when I'm feeling bad, like if I'd contacted you then.

Me: "I guess I just think of you maybe comparing me to higher-risk clients, where you'd take them more seriously." T: "At this point, if I get the sense in the intake that a client is particularly high-risk, I'm actually likely to refer them out." Me: "Oh. OK." T: "I don't know if you've ever had a job where you're on call, but that's basically what this job is like all the time. There were times when I'd be done with my workday and kind of expecting to get a call from a particular client. I found that I really disliked that feeling." Me: "I could understand that." T: "So I tend not to take on higher-risk clients." I said how I know that ex-MC does tend to take on high-risk teens. And how he'd always look at his phone in sessions when he got a text, saying, "I just have to check the number." How that bothered me because it made me feel like the other client was more important at that moment than the one who was sitting in front of him. And the one time he took a call from a client in our session. T: "I remember you telling me that." Me: "So I guess it felt like the clients who were higher risk were bigger priorities for him. So maybe I was afraid of that here, too, I don't know. But then in saying that, I worry you'll think that I'm exaggerating how I'm feeling just to get attention. But I wouldn't do that." T: "I know you wouldn't." Me: "OK, good."

I forget where this part came up, but it was before his "two questions" at the end, so I'll put it here. Me: "I know this is really stupid but...OK, I'm judging myself there." T: "Yes you are." Me: "I think it's progress that I'm catching myself when I do it though." T: "I agree, you're aware of it." Me: "I guess ideally I'd catch myself before even saying it." T: "Yes."

Me: "So this is...uh, maybe a month ago, I mentioned how I liked you saying 'take care' at the end of sessions. Even though I know it's stupid that...OK, not stupid, but it feels that way that it matters to me because, I mean, a random cashier will say it to me. And it doesn't really mean anything about what you're feeling toward me right then." T: "It must be difficult to live like that." Me: "What do you mean?" T: "To be reading so much meaning into what everyone says and does." Me: "Yeah...but what I was going to say is that for the first couple sessions after that talk, you'd say 'Take care' as I was leaving, but then you stopped." T: "I forgot, I'm sorry." Me: "It's OK, but it would be as I was leaving, I'd look back at you, hoping you'd say it, and it would be like you'd already turned back to your computer, like you'd already put me out of your mind and just...ugh, this seems so ridiculous...why it matters to me." I forget his response to that, but it seemed understanding (I was sobbing as I said all that, incidentally).

I said another thing I wanted to bring up was still being unclear about whether it's OK to request a phone call when in crisis. Because I wasn't sure after last session. T: "Well, much of it depends on what's going on for me at the time." Me: "Yeah, I guess I just wanted a clearer answer about what's OK." T: "Can I ask you two questions first?" Me: "Uh, OK."

T: "First, when you email me, you often will say something like, 'I just want you to tell me that things will be OK,' like if you've had a bad fight with H. But you know I'm going to say they'll be OK, that you can get through it. So if you know what I'm likely to say, then why do you still ask it?" I started crying again, "I don't know, I'm sorry..." T: "It's not a criticism. I just want to understand why you ask if you know what the answer will be." Me: "I think sometimes I just need to hear it. And part of why I tell you what I'm looking for is that sometimes in the past, you've said it's not clear what I'm looking for when I reach out. So I've tried to be more clear about it, and that seems to have helped."

T: "You still haven't really answered about why you ask when you know what I'll say. Couldn't you just say that in your head?" Me: "I'm just not sure I've internalized it enough yet to do that." T: "I would agree with that." (I didn't say this, but I wanted to be like, "Then why are you asking me???") Me: "It's like...how I used to listen to the voicemail from ex-MC to give me comfort." T: "And I don't understand how that helped, because it was about something from the past, not the current thing going on." Me: "I think it just helped remind me of his caring. And hearing his voice. But I don't have a voicemail from you that I could listen to. I could look back at old emails I guess." T: "But those aren't about what's currently bothering you either." I started crying again. "I don't know, now it feels like I'm bothering you when I email you, like you're thinking, 'Why is LT bothering me about this?'" T: "No, you're not bothering me. I'm just trying to understand what's going on in your head." Me: "Maybe some of it is about the connection, too, wanting to hear something from you in that moment." T: "You think it might be about connection then?" Me: "I don't know, I'm sorry, that's probably weird to you." T: "No, it's not."

Me (attempting to change topic): "What was your other question?" T: "What?" Me: "You said you had two questions." T: "Thanks for reminding me. In terms of whether you can reach out to me in crisis, what exactly do you want to hear from me regarding that? What sort of answer do you want?" Me: "I think just that you trust me to use my judgment regarding when I should reach out, like by text or phone. And...that you won't be angry at me if I reach out. Maybe 'angry' is the wrong word. Annoyed. Well, if you are a bit annoyed, as long as it wasn't just me reaching out to say 'hi,' that you wouldn't tell me that. Like, you wouldn't tell me you were annoyed at my interrupting you while you were watching 'Game of Thrones.' or something" T: "The thing is, any time you would reach out to me, you'd be interrupting something." Me: "Uh...OK. But if you said, 'I can't talk right now,' I'd understand." T: "But doing my job would just mean I'd have to hit 'pause' during 'Game of Thrones' for a bit so that I could talk."

Me: "OK...and I just want to clarify, this isn't like something I'd do all the time. Just if I'm feeling really awful and nothing else seems to be helping. I would try the other stuff first. I've been doing that lately before emailing you, too." T: "I know you have, and that's really good." Me: "It's just sometimes the other stuff doesn't work. And I guess I also worry...I mean, you turn off your phone by 10. I wouldn't contact you at 9:59 to test you." T: "Good!" Me: "But the thing is, maybe I'm feeling pretty bad at 8 p.m. And I'm worried about how I'll feel later that evening, but by then it would be too late to reach out to you. And also by 10, most people I'd contact, other than a crisis line, wouldn't be available either. So I'd maybe want to reach out earlier if I found myself going down a bad path..." T: "Hm, that makes sense." Me: "And the other thing is, if it was, say, a really bad fight with H, and I was at home, it could be awkward to call. Would you ever be willing to text back and forth a bit?" T: "It's not my preference, but I have done it before in certain situations." Me: "OK. I just want to make it clear, I hope to never have to do this. But I just want to know what my options are if I am in that place again. I mean, this would be like an...I don't know, once a year or once every 6 months sort of thing, not regular."

T: "I'm honestly surprised you haven't reached out to me before like that." Me: "You mean a phone call?" T: "Yes, or a text." Me: "I was afraid that if I was feeling really awful and reached out and you said I was bothering you, either then or later in session, then I'd feel rejected and likely feel much worse. So I didn't want to risk that." T: "OK. What made you think that would happen?" Me: "Well, the one time, a long time ago, I sent a text including more info about why I wanted an extra session (uncle had passed away plus big fight with H), and you told me it felt intrusive. So, I was trying to follow the rules in texting since then, and I think I've done a good job?" T: "Oh. Yes, you have." Me: "So that's why I want to be totally clear about what's OK for contacting you in a crisis." T: "OK, and you said this is like a once every 6 months sort of thing?" Me: "Ideally, I mean, I don't know how I'll feel of course." T: "Well, if it ended up happening frequently, I wouldn't terminate you or anything, we'd just talk about it." Me: "Well, I hope you realize that I'm worried about pushing too much, so I'd have to be in a really bad place to use this." T: "Yes."

T: "OK, then I feel comfortable saying this to you" (he looked into my eyes when saying this): "I trust you to use your judgment in contacting me in a crisis. I'm not going to get upset with you for reaching out. Does that feel OK?" Me: "Yes, thank you. That's what I needed to hear. I just need to know if it's there as an option." T: "OK." Me: "I know we have to stop." Confirmed schedule for next week.

I grabbed my pile of used tissues and threw it away. As I was walking over to pay, I said, "I think I feel OK about this conversation." T: "Ideally, we'd have spent more time on it." Me: "Yeah, but it feels OK to me." T: "See how you feel later this afternoon." Me: "OK." We shook hands as he said, "Have a good weekend." Me: "You, too." T: "Take care of yourself." Me: "Thanks, you too."

I did continue feeling OK about that, but unfortunately, I found out about an insurance issue later that night that I ended up contacting him about the next day. Will do separate post about that.