When I was about 32 and had previously been married for 8 years, I met a man who is 9 years my senior. Very early into our relationship, we had issues. I would not open up to him emotionally. He pointed this out. He seemed to me to be "very emotional for a man". He wanted a level of intimacy right away that Id never had with my husband even! I told him that my dad is an alcoholic. He was very serious and said he'd previously dated an ACOA and it was extremely difficult for him. This seemed to be a deal-breaker for him. We tried having sex but something wasnt right. He wanted too much. We never did have sex - even after being close friends for 14 years. We are still in contact although he's recently gotten remarried. And funny thing- he's newly working as a social worker! Our communication is nice these days- I can tell him anything.
So, the year after he and I essentially decided to be just friends, I met someone else. Because of what happened with my previous dating attempt- because he SAID noemotional sharing was a deal breaker I purposefully decided I would try hard to share and communicate in future. From the very beginning, my new boyfriend and I had the best sex I'd ever had. And over the years it grew into something very special- because we communicated our feelings and opinions without fear of rejection. Natural give-and-take which was practically effortless. I didn't have to ever worry about what he may be thinking - it just HAPPENED back and forth between us from each moment to the next as one big higher-level entity. Emotionally we were free to say or try anything without any worries.
I learned how to communicate and let go of that fear of "what if something bad happens?" I was previously trying to pre-guess every move someone might make so that i could reply in a manner so NOTHING could go wrong. Come to think of it, I did that a lot with everybody. I even interrupted them to say what I wanted them to say. I constantly guessed what bad might happen so i could hopefully prevent it. I see now that this probably started with my dad- soothing the savage beast before he got angry, constantly trying to stay 2 steps ahead. Hide feelings in case they backfired on me. Today, thanks to what my social worker friend said almost 15 years ago, i am no longer afraid of emotional intimacy -or the physical intimacy that goes so wonderfully along with it.
My dad being an alcoholic shaped the way i communicated with people. I try hard to listen and to actually speak my thoughts and feelings instead of being afraid. I hope Ive been successful in this area with my kids- so they aren't afraid to share their feelings. So far, they tell you -whether you like it or not!