It's been a couple of days now since you posted this. Perhaps your situation has changed? I'm sorry you were / are feeling so desperate. I'm not a mental health professional. So I can only offer my own personal opinion with regard to what to do. It does sound, from what you wrote, that you were / are in a fragile state & are in need of professional care. Yes, as you said, there is going to be some hurt for your wife either way. But, as you wrote, she is growing weary; and you are potentially in danger. So my personal non-professional thinking, with regard to this, is that the best alternative would be for you to reach out in real life for professional help. Please take care. My best wishes to you...