Ever since I was born, I feel that men had failed me.

My memeory is extremely spotty from age 10 and under, I suppose that is when I experienced the most trauma and my brain simply doesn’t want to remember those memories becuase they’re just too painful.

What I can recollect is copious amounts of screaming and fighting from my parents. My mom and dad always fought and argued with each other, and even though I would go and hide, they (mostly my father) would somehow move the argument to where I was hiding, (if I was hiding in their closet, they’d move from the living room, to their room, etc) so unfortunately I witnessed too many of these arguments first hand.
My father was a cheater, and even though I was only 4 or 5 or so, I knew exactly what was going on (kids are not as dumb as people think). I’d find my mom crying her mascara away due to my fathers mistreatment and infidelity, and all I could do was just hold onto her and cry with her.
Later down the line (before and during my parents divorce) my father and I would go out regularly together and have like an, “us” day. These were so valuable to me because my father was in the military and he was gone a lot, so any little time I had with him was precious. Well, the ritual usually started at the 7/11 gas station where we’d get snacks, and where my father would be particularly friendly to this one, very young (16-17 year old) cashier (we’ll call her Maria for the sake of privacy). As time went by, we spent less time together inside 7/11, and he spent more time in the back room with that promiscuous cashier Maria instead, resulting in leaving me alone for hours on end-sometimes he’d leave me alone in the gas station, or sometimes left me in the car. I was about 7 or so. One time he was so desperate to see this girl, that he told me throw on whatever I could find so we could leave, even yelling and pressuring me to hurry up-I had on filthy clothes, my hair in complete knots, and wore a pair of felt witch shoes from halloween. Both Maria and my father swear up and down that that never happened (gaslighting). When I got older, I found out that my father was a recruiter at Maria’s high school, and that’s where they met.

Well, my father gets Maria pregnant, and decides to marry her.

During this time, my mom was desperate to put a roof over our heads; she had her own business, but her mental state was so shot from the divorce, that she decided to sell it.

Then she met my step father, we’ll call him Tim.

For a while everything was alright, Tim and my mom were getting a long great, and he was treating me good too. Then, one night, I hear my bedroom door creak open, and in comes Tim. He nonchalantly goes over to my bed, gets underneath my covers, lays beside me and begins to grab me, grabbing onto my leg and pulling it over his, then we just layed there like that for what felt like an eternity. I could feel his hot breath against my face- I was in so much fear that I just layed paralyzed, I don’t think I even breathed, and if I did, they were short, shallow breaths. I quietly asked if I could go to the bathroom, and he said yes, that’s when I shot to their room and spent the rest of the night with my mom. I never told her what really happened because the thought felt so disgusting and disturbing, so I kept it in for many years, until I was 18, then the truth came out. Tim says he didn’t remember what happened that night, and that he must have been sleep walking. But I still remember. I wish I could forget too. Since then he’s touched me inappropriately two more times and I’ve yet to tell my mom or anyone about those two times, until now on this thread.

Springing forward to my late teens/adulthood, I decided I wanted to go to college. When my mom and I were speaking with the VA representative, it seemed perfect, like all the doors were opened for me. About 95% of the entire package would be covered by military benifits from my father. Come to find out, he not only used that particular benefit for his own education, but he also signed those benefits over to Maria and her brother, so they were able to go to college, completely depleting that benefit. That benefit was not meant to be touched, ever, that was something my dad and mom discussed before I was even born.
We found out that there were other, non-depleted benefits, but they were no where near as awesome as the initial benift. This totally rocked my world because I was so looking forward to going to a great college and live the whole college experience, but those dreams were shattered.

Living on campus was going to be my getaway, my relief of the verbal abuse Tim would