You aren't alone. Especially in the whole wanting to be alone but also wanting to be able to be around people. It can be really hard to find people to relate to beyond a certain age, especially with mental health problems. I always feel like even if I met people, I wouldn't want to burden them with all of my issues (a common thing, not feeling like you're worth it). I would love to meet just a couple of new friends, but only healthy ones I can relate to honestly. Have no idea where I would, but that is my own block. I did have a better time when going to NAMI support groups, where people do understand and you can support each other with your unique stories with far less fear than otherwise meeting new people..

But, while I'm probably in a worse place, objectively more alone and isolated than I was 20 years ago, the meds are honestly doing a fantastic job in preventing me from falling into the same levels of self loathing, anger, and hopelessness I felt before starting psychiatric treatment. Back then I was afraid of being numbed, and I probably would feel like I am now (teenage me may be disappointed), but it is really worth it to not be as suicidally depressed all the time. And while I feel very alone right now, I am in a place where I can look to the future and remember that things can change.